Saturday, June 25, 2011

Happy Birthday Mom!!!!

Today is my Mom’s 70th Birthday. Happy Birthday Mom…I love you. This is the woman that assisted in me becoming the man I am today. She is probably the sole reason I have a morale compass that works so very well. LOL. My Mom has always stressed that you should do right by yourself and in the eyes of God cause his evaluation of you…is all that truly matters. In this day and age of me, me, me that’s not an easy thing to do. Not because some of us don’t want to do it, but because our society doesn’t always lend itself for us to do the right thing in the face of adversity. So it’s not always easy to “Take the Road Less Traveled.”


But my Mom has always been a shining example of this simple principle. When my first wife and I departed ways…my Mom continued to stay in touch with her, pray for her, help her out on occasion and wish her well. Even bought her kids the occasional birthday card and what not. All this after she broke her sons heart. Some may say why? My mother would simply say why not? My Mom doesn’t hold grudges nor does she hate anyone. Point in case my current ex-wife. While I was overseas she took it upon herself to call my mom (and have my kids call her too) telling her what a horrible Mom and Grandmother she was for raising a shit bag son like myself. When I called and talked to my Mom I could hear the hurt in her voice although she tried to hide it.

As she explained what Jennifer said to her as well as what she had the kids say to her all I could think of was something my Mom had said to me quite awhile ago. So when she was finished…I threw those same words right back in her face and she got it…instantly! I could hear the joy and pride come back into her voice and she quickly got on board with what I said. Ok…I’m sure your wondering what I said. So I won’t leave you hanging so I’ll tell you just what I said.

Anyone who KNOWS Janie Lee Dingle will tell you my Mom is an incredibly spiritual woman. At times I’d almost swear that my Mom, in times of need, has a direct link to God and when she asks…he always comes through for her. This has happened numerous times in my life so much that I have called her on behalf of other family and friends asking her to put in a word because someone was in trouble and or hurting. And it always gets answered. It’s scary and uncanny how accurate it is too. I don’t know anyone stronger. My Mom fully believes that there is good and evil, God and the Devil, etc, etc. And she believes that they both work through us in anyway they see fit. So throughout my life, my Mom was always saying things like “The Devil is alive and busy,” “Jesus is alive and working,” “The devil is a liar,” “Don’t worry…he’ll work it out” or “God sure works in mysterious ways.” These are just a few of the numerous lil quotes that she has stored away. So when I spoke to her I told her what she had told me in the past,

“Mom,” I said.


“Yes,” she replied. I could still hear a hint of hurt that she was trying to hide.


“Mom. You know what that is right?”


“No, what?”


“Mom…that ain’t nuttin but the Devil.” There was a brief pause and silence from my Mom after I said that. I know she was starting to think so I continued.


“Mom you know how you always say he’s always busy? Well think about it…who do I get all my strength from when I'm down and need some words of encouragement? You right?”




"Yes,” she said. I could hear her perking up.


“Well Mom, think about it. The Devil is having a hard time getting to me right now because you are giving me that support I need right?”


“Yeah.”


“Well if he can’t get to me directly he’s jus gonna go where he thinks he can get to me at. And that’s you. Think about it Mom. He knows you’re my support base, where I get all my strength and faith from. It makes sense to attack you if he can’t get to me.”


“Uh Huh….”


“So he’s using Jennifer to attack you, to make you turn on Jennifer and causing you to be upset which he knows will in turn upset me and possibly cause me to lash out at Jennifer. Causing more problems in which he knows how hard I’m trying to save things.”


“Uh huh…”


“So he lost this one Mom cause we can clearly see what he’s doing and it ain’t working. You taught me better than that.”


As I continued to speak to my Mom I felt a wave of pride in my Mom's voice. The student had become the Master. All her talks and teachings had come to fruition and I was giving her what she had given me sooo many times when I needed it. I was proud of myself and I know she was too. And as we continued to talk and break it down I soon heard that joy and happiness that’s always present in my Moms voice when she’s talking about things, especially spiritual ones. And I can hear the pride in her voice as I used some of the very words she has used on me…told back to her. I could hear how proud she was of me. Like any parent when your child does something that reminds you that you did it right.

So my Mom…is pretty awesome and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. So with that being said, I just wanted all of y’all out there to know just who my Mom is and how special she is to me and numerous other lives that she’s touched in the 70 years she’s been alive on this big ball of gas we call a planet. Love you MOM and happy 70th. God bless you and give you many more.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

D MINUS 8

 Well, the movers are coming tomorrow and we are closing in on the end of an era in my life. I arrived back to KY and moved into this house in January 2005. I was full of hopes and dreams about my as well as my family’s future. I was armed with the new found knowledge I had gained in EO school. We hit the ground running and never looked back. Alex adjusted to being back amongst friends and soon found himself one of three 7th graders to make the freshman high school baseball team, an incredible feat for the young man. 8th Grade football and more friends were soon to follow and he was off on his way to great things and the path to college was now underway. Jennifer was enrolled into school and on her way to living out her dream of becoming a nurse.  Fast forward to today. Here I am June 2011, 6 years later and I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be. Am I disappointed in how my life turned out? Did I miss my boat? What in the hell happened to my dream and my future?
 Those were questions I found myself asking out loud time and time again. But to my surprise…I have not received an answer…not one single answer.  We don’t always get the answers to our questions and that sometimes sucks but its life and that’s just how it works sometimes. On the 30th of June I will be headed south to start a new chapter in my life and the lives of my family. In 6 years I have gained some great friends and made some enemies. My family has grown…and I have lost family members. I spent close to two years in therapy working on what I thought were my faults and weaknesses. I soon found out that those were my strengths and I found out I had actually gotten on the path to healing and a new found life that I didn’t know it at the time would not include my wife. A few months ago as I sat on the couch in my therapist office I looked over at Betty and she smiled at me. It had been a long, long journey and I was no longer that same broken and mentally battered guy that she had met close to two years ago seeking help and answers about his life and why there was so much pain when there was only supposed to be joy. We talked and reflected on my journey into strength and self-discovery. “Jerome, do you remember why you came here?” Betty asked. “Yes,” I said. “I told you I wanted to save my marriage and if I couldn’t… find the strength to leave Jennifer.” I’ve been divorced since Jan 27, 2010…mission complete.
 So what does Georgia hold for me? New friendships? New relationships?, A New chapter in my life to write? I’m not really sure what the big Jumpmaster in the sky has planned for me but I know it’s something and I just need to maintain the course I’m on and be open and welcome to the blessings that are bound to be headed my way. I have dealt with more character building issues that I know have a skyscraper in my backyard. I have placed others first before myself in an effort to lay foundations for healing only to have them ripped up like a tornado out in the mid-west. I have taken steps forward...only to see myself sliding back two steps for everyone I moved forward. Yet…I have never stopped moving forward. I have never stopped fighting for what’s right for me and my family. Even when their eyes have been clouded by anger, hate and the fog we know as divorce.
 So to all of you who feel that life has dealt you a bad hand…I will tell you this one bit of advice I received from a very special RIGGER. Maintain the moral high ground and do what you know is right; no matter how painful it is nor how costly (financially) it maybe for you. For you will be judged by these actions and these alone are what counts, integrity is all you have and it’s all you will ever need.
Found my smile...the story continues....

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Is Honesty The Best Policy?

Honesty is the best policy. That is a mantra that many live by and almost all of us have heard it at some point in our lives. But do we really believe in it or is it just something we say? Is being honesty a thing of the past? Do we live in an era where cutting corners and not being honest rule our lives?

I have lived the last year of my life being honest. Sometimes it has worked for me and sometimes it has not but I’ve done it just the same. I was forthright with a woman sometime ago and she told me that I should probably not tell as much. I was like really? “Thought y’all women wanted an honest man?” Well I took mental note of her advice…didn’t use it but I listened. LOL. Some will say they want a man who is honest and forthright yet when confronted with such a man…they may question things said or it becomes too much and they move on. One of my partners feels that you don’t need to tell a woman everything, not be dishonest, just don’t tell her everything. Guess you can say the situation dictates.

I do believe there must be honesty. When a person is honest, it creates a level of comfort for them and their partner. It creates intimacy and true intimacy is in the moment honesty, being comfortable enough that you can be open and honest with your partner; knowing fully well they will accept you…no matter what.

I went out with a lot of women in the last year and have been honest with them all; though some may not agree. I had met a female on match and grew quite fond of her. But we did have one fundamental difference in opinion in one particular area. I don’t believe in placing all of my eggs in one basket, in short I choose to date until I’m sure that the individual is the one or until we have “the talk.” She on the other hand, did not. So after making my view clear, I simply chose to leave it at that. I figured I had made it clear how I felt and that I was not going to change my stance. Shawty, a good friend of mine made a very good point the other morning when we talked. She said I have the ability to think about things without my emotions. She is very correct and I have used that in my dating. I even had another friend question my “selection” process because it sounded cold or emotionless. She said I sounded like I was willing to settle.

Well my lady friend and I talked a lot and she flew out to meet and see if there was any chemistry. There was, so much that that December she flew out again and I drove out to spend x-mas with her since my ex had our kids for the holiday. Well long distance relationships are tough to maintain especially when you have nothing but phone contact. Well linking up became difficult and around the beginning of the New Year we had an argument and for me...it was a flag. We just seemed to argue more and didn’t connect as we did prior to x-mas. In the end we never recovered. I was honest about what I wanted from a relationship and so was she, but after two failed marriages, I simply choose not to compromise on what I want; that included being honest. So we went back to that fundamental difference and she wanted to change I however felt that it was a difference that you can’t change. What you believe is what you believe and is a core value. Core values do not change.

Now there is one thing I don’t think you should ever be honest about…and that’s cheating. Now, this is requires emotionless conceptual thinking from this point forward. So think about what I’m about to say and try and do so without emotions. Cheating and then coming clean doesn’t do anything for anyone except the cheater. It gives them some relief and it allows them to clear their conscience while the party that was cheated on is typically devastated. Why do they get to use the “honesty play” to get the weight off their back? I think this is one case where lying is a must and should be implemented at all cost. I mean you did the dirt…you should have to live with the consequences of your actions. If it haunts you…then good, it should do just that. So is honesty the best policy? How much honesty do you give and when is it ok to be dishonest? Those are questions that only you can answer.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Are our kids becoming Q-Tips?

“Man, you are soft as drug store cotton!” or how about, “You as soft as a Q-tip.” Those were a few of the insults we traded with each other as kids. I have coached sports at the youth level for years and a lot has changed. I recall when only the winners got trophies, now everyone does. I recall you rode the pine when you weren’t good enough but now everyone must play. I mean even in my youngest son’s school it seems they give an award to every kid and when my eldest played middle school basketball I remember when the head coach was fired. Not because he was bad but because a parent complained. Their son wasn’t playing enough.


Since my divorce, my sons at times seem to buck the system and rebel against anything they may think I would want them to do. My middle son elected not to play football and tried out for his middle school basketball team and he didn’t make the cut. He got in the car and I didn’t know it until a few minutes later when I asked a question and could hear a quiver in his voice. I glanced over and could see tear trails running down his brown cheeks. In our society it seems as if our kids are being convinced they don’t have to earn anything and it should be given and when they don’t get it…they breakdown and fall apart. How do I handle my son’s first true loss? This was the first time he’s had to try out for anything and he didn’t make the team. Do I coddle him and tell him he’s great and it’s that coach’s loss? Or do I tell him the truth that I told him to get outside and work on his fundamentals, dribbling, shooting, layups etc. Not sit and play PS3 or sit and watch dumb kids on you tube it was your responsibility. You didn’t make the team son…because you weren’t good enough. I settled somewhere in the middle of those two. I asked what the coached said to those not making the team and if he told them what they should work on before they try out next year? He said no, the coach said even Michael Jordan got cut. I told him…guess we will work towards baseball.

Many parents are doing their children a serious disservice in the area of what the military as since dubbed “mental resiliency,” to be mentally tough in short, to be able to handle the stresses of combat and your life in the military. Some parents just don’t seem to get it.

When I coached I stressed all those things in my teams. I didn’t always have the best teams but I felt that what I was giving those boys and the few girls was truly important; the ability to accept a win with humility and a defeat with grace. So parents treat their kids as superstars and expect others to see what they see, then when they fail, they look at everyone else except their kids. Learning how to lose is far more important and does more for your character than winning does.

I watched Dr. Phil a few days ago as he talked with some kids about “cyber bullying.” I sat and I listened until I couldn’t take it anymore and I started talking back to the TV. “OK, ummm if your being cyber bullied…how about you unfriend them or better yet, get off the damn PC.” I mean seriously, why would you go online and read someone talking trash about you everyday to the point where you feel you need to take your life to make it stop. One interesting dynamic I have seen is a great deal of these kids are single parent kids and you never see the fathers around.

Hell People magazine has the story about the young college student from Rutgers who killed his self after a sex video of him made it onto the internet. Gay or straight, suicide is not the answer. If this young man was comfortable, secure and confident in his self as they said he was, would he have killed his self?

If someone is on facebook talking bad about you, don’t read it. Or un-friend them and don’t read it. My ex-wife spends a great deal of time talking about me on her FB wall and her girlfriends, none who actually know me. Mind you my kids are her friends and have the ability to see and read what her and her friends say about me. The neighbor across who is well in her 60’s has joined in on the FB campaign and if you’re following my “divorce nightmare” that I have been writing about (hope you are ;-)), you will know about the cyber stalking too. Now for legal reasons I have printed off a few of her pages and the request of my attorney but my point is I don’t read nor care what is being said. What I don’t see can’t hurt me and I know the truth.

I know it I’m older and with life experiences I know someone calling me a fag, geek, jig-a-boo etc are just names said to illicit a response and as a child, you don’t know all this. But it’s our job as parents, adults, teachers, coaches, etc to remind our kids that it really ain’t a big deal. Teach them how to defuse such language and actions. Just like a TV show, if I don’t like it, why should I call and or write a station complaining. The solution is pretty simple; I simply don’t have to watch it. Parents have got to talk to their kids and not neglect the mental aspect of their kid’s growth and development.

Is it wrong to tell your kids they aren’t good enough? Should are kids be protected from loosing? Should we stop giving our kids accolades they don’t deserve? These are just a few questions that we as parents need to think about.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

"Guns Don't Kill...People Do!"

“Guns don’t kill…people do.” Catchy title huh? Yeah, it grabs the attention and then provokes thought. I’m sure you may be wondering why I said this. Well this morning is my daughter’s 8th grade graduation. She didn’t tell when it was and I had to call the school to find out when it was. They are breaking it up into two times, 0815 and 0930. I asked her which one is hers…the answer I got…"Like 9 I think.” Seriously? You are a straight “A” student and you don’t know when you graduation is? Knowledge is power and thus the power struggle continues. I have been in this battle since March 5th 2009. I have taken several different approaches as well as stances. So you may disagree…but I’m sorry. I did call the school and they weren’t sure which group she was in. I’m 100% sure her Mom knows which one and whether she shows…is immaterial to me. I will show up at or around 0915 and if I have missed it…that’s life. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do until we get to do the things we want to do.


Anyone who says divorce is hard…you’re full of crap. Divorces are never ever hard! They are as simple as going to Wal-Mart and buying eggs. You find the eggs, get in line, pay for them and leaving the store. Divorces are no different. It’s a choice. You can choose to leave the marriage and be civil or you can choose to be an arse. I don’t wanna hear the “it’s painful” crap either. We all know right from wrong! And a divorce is not an excuse to do wrong…it’s unacceptable. We don't always get what we want in this life. But because you make the decesion to end your marriage, doesnt give you the right to do what you know is wrong just for the sake of saving face or because idiots are whispering crap in your ear. So if I’m broke…you’re telling me it’s ok to rob a bank? I mean I’m broke and I need to feed my family. So that’s where the quote comes in. We have hundreds of weapons in the military sitting in our armsrooms. They are ineffective unless a Soldier has possession of said weapon and then uses it as directed. So now you know what I mean and where I’m coming from. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Aftermath...part 2

31May11


Well the month is gone and June is finally here. The judge decided to order us to CO-PARENT and honor our joint shared custody agreement. A year of my life wasted and I should have done what I planned on doing long ago. This is potentially gonna be a rough month. Court, moving, clearing…getting the house ready to sell or rent. Can you say full plate? Oh and did I mention that we are finally, after a year Jennifer has no choice but to honor our divorce decree and take the kids every other week. It started last week and that Sunday was pretty rough. Madison was just being a pain; arguing about everything. You’d think she’d be happy about going to stay with their Mom. I had to send sheets with them and then Jennifer had the nerve to actually demand I do some things. Yeah…right. Last I checked we are divorced and if it’s not for my kids…I can’t help you. Well when the kids got back here Sunday it was a little hectic but they are better now. So I just gotta keep focused and continue to be consistent. I asked them how their week was and if they had a good time. That’s as far as it goes. I’m not interested in what they did just if they enjoyed their time with their Mom. I heard she set her FB page back to public. That woman sure feeds off an audience. I haven’t gone on their nor will I. It really doesn’t matter. But hey, too each his own.

She even called my unit again while I was down in Georgia. Seriously? Get a frackin life girl. What are they gonna do? Uh…nothing. Duh! LOL. She told them that she’s afraid of me, I might hurt her…she was afraid I would take the kids to Georgia. Really? Duh…that’s why I have a court date…hello. I mean it’s been a year and she still hasn’t realized that I ain’t the same guy she married. I have grown and matured a great deal. So actually, she did me a favor by divorcing me. She made me a better man as she said she’d always do. I agreed to pay the loan off on her car…but that’s it not the registration nor insurance. But she...refuses to take full ownership of the car. So it’s still in my name so I’m stuck. Then she goes and gets into two accidents so of course I get the call and now I lose my good driver discount and my rates will go up. I’ve got to figure something out especially since I’m moving. Why is it sooo hard to get a person to simply do the right thing?