“Man, you are soft as drug store cotton!” or how about, “You as soft as a Q-tip.” Those were a few of the insults we traded with each other as kids. I have coached sports at the youth level for years and a lot has changed. I recall when only the winners got trophies, now everyone does. I recall you rode the pine when you weren’t good enough but now everyone must play. I mean even in my youngest son’s school it seems they give an award to every kid and when my eldest played middle school basketball I remember when the head coach was fired. Not because he was bad but because a parent complained. Their son wasn’t playing enough.
Since my divorce, my sons at times seem to buck the system and rebel against anything they may think I would want them to do. My middle son elected not to play football and tried out for his middle school basketball team and he didn’t make the cut. He got in the car and I didn’t know it until a few minutes later when I asked a question and could hear a quiver in his voice. I glanced over and could see tear trails running down his brown cheeks. In our society it seems as if our kids are being convinced they don’t have to earn anything and it should be given and when they don’t get it…they breakdown and fall apart. How do I handle my son’s first true loss? This was the first time he’s had to try out for anything and he didn’t make the team. Do I coddle him and tell him he’s great and it’s that coach’s loss? Or do I tell him the truth that I told him to get outside and work on his fundamentals, dribbling, shooting, layups etc. Not sit and play PS3 or sit and watch dumb kids on you tube it was your responsibility. You didn’t make the team son…because you weren’t good enough. I settled somewhere in the middle of those two. I asked what the coached said to those not making the team and if he told them what they should work on before they try out next year? He said no, the coach said even Michael Jordan got cut. I told him…guess we will work towards baseball.
Many parents are doing their children a serious disservice in the area of what the military as since dubbed “mental resiliency,” to be mentally tough in short, to be able to handle the stresses of combat and your life in the military. Some parents just don’t seem to get it.
When I coached I stressed all those things in my teams. I didn’t always have the best teams but I felt that what I was giving those boys and the few girls was truly important; the ability to accept a win with humility and a defeat with grace. So parents treat their kids as superstars and expect others to see what they see, then when they fail, they look at everyone else except their kids. Learning how to lose is far more important and does more for your character than winning does.
I watched Dr. Phil a few days ago as he talked with some kids about “cyber bullying.” I sat and I listened until I couldn’t take it anymore and I started talking back to the TV. “OK, ummm if your being cyber bullied…how about you unfriend them or better yet, get off the damn PC.” I mean seriously, why would you go online and read someone talking trash about you everyday to the point where you feel you need to take your life to make it stop. One interesting dynamic I have seen is a great deal of these kids are single parent kids and you never see the fathers around.
Hell People magazine has the story about the young college student from Rutgers who killed his self after a sex video of him made it onto the internet. Gay or straight, suicide is not the answer. If this young man was comfortable, secure and confident in his self as they said he was, would he have killed his self?
If someone is on facebook talking bad about you, don’t read it. Or un-friend them and don’t read it. My ex-wife spends a great deal of time talking about me on her FB wall and her girlfriends, none who actually know me. Mind you my kids are her friends and have the ability to see and read what her and her friends say about me. The neighbor across who is well in her 60’s has joined in on the FB campaign and if you’re following my “divorce nightmare” that I have been writing about (hope you are ;-)), you will know about the cyber stalking too. Now for legal reasons I have printed off a few of her pages and the request of my attorney but my point is I don’t read nor care what is being said. What I don’t see can’t hurt me and I know the truth.
I know it I’m older and with life experiences I know someone calling me a fag, geek, jig-a-boo etc are just names said to illicit a response and as a child, you don’t know all this. But it’s our job as parents, adults, teachers, coaches, etc to remind our kids that it really ain’t a big deal. Teach them how to defuse such language and actions. Just like a TV show, if I don’t like it, why should I call and or write a station complaining. The solution is pretty simple; I simply don’t have to watch it. Parents have got to talk to their kids and not neglect the mental aspect of their kid’s growth and development.
Is it wrong to tell your kids they aren’t good enough? Should are kids be protected from loosing? Should we stop giving our kids accolades they don’t deserve? These are just a few questions that we as parents need to think about.
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