Life, you live and you die. Seems pretty simple but it surely is not. And when you add people and or relationships…it becomes less simple and more complicated. Have you ever sat and wondered…just how you arrived at your current destination in life? No matter where you are…have you just thought, a minute here, a "no" there and my life could and or would be so very different. And then…if you had the ability to go back, knowing what you know now, would you change things. Avoid people and or things that happened and set you on your current path. Because God knows…there are some questionable people out there. Some whom have come into your life and made it better and some who have consistently only made it worse. Numerous times we sit and think to ourselves “Man, wish I could get a do over.” Hell, I know I have. Imagine the chance to go back to school and get better grades. Talk to that girl you passed on the street. Make the investment that you thought was too risky. I mean the possibilities are endless. The things we could fix if given the opportunity. Life, love, career…everything is open to a do over. Everything is eligible for a fix. But what would be the cost? And do we really, really want a do over? I’m not sure. I know I can honestly say looking back…I sure would be open to a do over.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
With Congo in mind.....
Sometimes things are said within our society that really makes you take a step back and wonder…“Who the hell says this is the way it’s supposed to be?” I was listening to Steve Harvey this morning and they were talking about the shooting in Florida. Now Steve starts his show every morning talking about God and things in that realm. So when I listened to him talk to Al Sharpton…I found myself questioning some of his comments. I have always had issue with those who talk of religion and what not but then at times you see them contradicting those beliefs or principals.
The biggest eye opener that really got the wheels turning was later in the show they were all speaking about Trayvon’s Mother and how she was conducting herself. They were all shocked and impressed at how she has been acting. In my world we like to call it “professionalism.” She’s been conducting herself with a high level of decorum, grace and…professionalism. What bugged me was the way the spoke about it. They were saying had it been them they would act like this or be saying that, etc, etc. I mean…wow. Is that the level we have sunk too? That when someone chooses to act in a manner that’s not stereotypical of what we as a society or group expects they get applauded?
Why is acting “professional” weird? Why do we not expect that or better yet see it as the norm? I mean does being black magically endow me with the ability to “act a fool” and use pain or misfortune as an excuse? Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying showing emotion is bad or it’s not needed. But when someone chooses to rise above the stereotypical BS that surrounds them and acts in a manner that they feel is befitting…who are we to question it or label it? It’s like my daughter getting good grades in school; then everyone acting surprised because she is getting good grades. Well if that is what she has been taught, explained and expected of her…then why would it be odd or unique that she actually achieve and or do what’s expected?
We (The American Society) have got to move past labels and status. We need to look at each situation for what it is and let it be what it will be. If someone chooses to act a fool then allow that INDIVIDUAL to be and act a fool. If they choose to act in a graceful manner…hello…let them do so. Sometimes blacks, African Americans…whatever you wish to call us are the biggest supporters of stereotypes and do more for keeping them in place than any other group. I have said it 100 times and I will always say it…education and an open mind is paramount for any group to move forward and become better than it is and or was.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Nothing is as easy as it seems...following the rules that is
Well, it’s about that time...yet again. Since December I have been trying to coordinate for a Spring Break visit with my kids. I had them for fall break but am supposed to have one or the other. It was my year for Thanksgiving and we all know how that turned out. So, my former spouse very graciously offered me Spring Break since she was “unable” to follow the visitation rule. So I, understanding her finances, attempted to coordinate well in advance (starting in December) so that she could sock some gas money away every month so come April, there would be no excuses to not meet. Well I tried with one email every month until I got her response from my February email. A response in which she told me I needed to have sexual intercourse with myself. Hmmm, not exactly sure how I’m supposed to do that but oh well. At that point I didn’t see the point in trying anymore and I decided not to email her for March and instead go another route.
I have grown tired of having to spend money and go to court just to ensure my rights as a parent are respected and honored. It’s a shame when one adult, whom has the children in their possession, acts in a manner in which it jeopardizes the other parent’s relationship with said children. Now I’m sure there are parents out there that truly deserve not to have contact with their children. But there are just as many who deserve that right but are forced to jump through hoops just to get what a court of law guaranteed they could have.
Visitation is a simple request and one which should be honored without any hassle. I know some parents who pretty much don’t have an issue with not seeing their children and live their lives just fine. Well that’s great for them but some of us see the big picture and understand that children are supposed to have two loving and caring parents for a reason (Look at the shooting that took place in Florida). I don’t have to care for you nor talk to you as a person. on a personal level but when it comes to the welfare of our children that’s when all games should be placed aside and we work together for the benefit of our children and their future. Far too many children that come from single parent homes fall off the track and end up in bad situations (Again look at what happened in Florida). Whether it’s school or drugs…the only people that suffer from lack of parental guidance is the child. God designed it this way from a reason. A woman can’t show a young boy how to be a man and a man can’t show a young girl how to be a woman. These behaviors are learned and reinforced by we parents. It’s our job! And it’s truly the only job which counts.
Now, I’m not saying that a single parent can’t raise a child. There is always gonna be the exception to the rule. But what I am saying is if the two adults can work together for the benefit of their child or children…then they should. And if they can’t, then grow a pair, man the hell up and do it! Parents shouldn’t grill their children to gain information nor should they put them in positions where they know so much they feel they need to contact the other parent with what they feel should or shouldn’t happen. And 9 out of 10 times, what they want usually mirrors what the parent they live with wants. So then you end up battling more than one person and a childs worldly knowledge is limited and they act as if they know yet they have no real world experiance to base this on.
So if you are a single parent I implore you to seek the higher ground and do what’s best for your children. Do not keep them from the other parent because you two decided that your lives were best lived apart. This wasn’t your children’s fault nor their concern. Do the right thing and foster a positive relationship. No one is telling you need to hang out with your former spouse or lover. But think about that child and do right by them. Allow them to make the decision about the other parent. If they are wrong…trust me…when they become adults they will see what’s up and figure things out just fine. The world has a way of righting itself if allowed. And remember, you entered into a contract with GOD almighty when he agreed to let you have said children. And if you break that contract with him…you can bet your gonna hear about it. It’s short… “Do The Right Thing, Do The Right Thing,…Do The Right Thing.”
“How you treat people is their karma; how you react is yours.” -Wayne Dyer
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Who You Are
In February 1987 a young 17 year old made a choice that would forever change the course of his life. He raised his right hand, took an oath and never once looked back. In the span of those 24 years I have met, befriended and worked for a lot of folks; some good, some bad and some downright horrible. But somehow I have managed to hold onto something that my father gave me…Integrity.
Integrity, Merriam-Webster’s defines it as a 1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values 2: an unimpaired condition 3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided. People speak and use all these great buzz words: professionalism, loyalty, respect…I could go on and on. But you know something, if you’re not gonna follow them then truly…what is the point. Exactly, there really is no point. Many spend their lives…day to day just living. Doing things that they feel are right for them at that exact moment or when it suits them. So I will ask you…what’s the point? What is the point in doing the right thing some of the time or when it’s convenient but when the preverbal road gets rough we buckle, look the other way and choose to follow the other path. The path which is paved with a smooth surface because God forbid we actually take the hard road where you will actually be uncomfortable and those words you throw around and your character will truly be tested.
Day in and day out we find ourselves in situations. Some which can have dire consequences. But it’s how we handle ourselves during these times that speak volumes. In almost every act of life you will find yourself someplace or dealing with an issue that you may not wish to. But you will have to deal with it because as we love to say…that’s life. Those buzz words I spoke of…how many do you follow? How many do you half ass follow? How many do you simply not follow at all? Those are questions you and only you can answer and the answers can be found in the mirror when you look at yourself. We as humans are inherently flawed. We were born flawed and we’ll die flawed. And once we are dead…how will we be remembered? Your legacy…what and those you leave behind will be the answer to that.
I like to talk about the military because we are a unique institution. No other place on Earth can you put sooo many different people, of various backgrounds, ethnicities, values, attitudes beliefs…throw them all together and watch them work, grow, learn and at times change one another; hopefully for the good. How many of you have heard of someone who joined the military and did not like someone of a different ethnicity? But after a few years you could see this person learn, bond and grow. Accepting that other ethnicity and changing themselves for the better. But this being a huge culture you also come across those that…you find yourself questioning from time to time. Their actions are and can be incongruent with their words.
I like 99% of the people on this planet know what’s right from wrong. And like those 99% I do operate in that gray area we can find ourselves in from time to time. So yes, I bend the rules and I too break them when I feel it’s necessary or it goes against what I fundamentally feel is wrong. I pick and choose my battles. But there are simply some things I see in black and white and I don’t allow nor look for the gray area. I won’t compromise and if cornered...I’ll fight you like a Wolverine. So when you question my integrity…I will fight you. I will attack you as well as your character. I will clearly point out where you are flawed and how you yourself don’t follow the words you choose to preach every day. So I humbly ask that before you start this crusade, you make sure you are ready for the fight in which you will undoubtedly find yourself in because you may find me standing in front of you with that mirror. Letting you look at yourself as you speak those words. Hoping you don’t choke on some of them. Don’t tell someone you care if you have heartedly do. Because I can guarantee that you will be asked to show you care and if you can’t…then you have clearly lost faith and respect. Don’t brag about being supportive and when it’s time to support, you crumble and shift focus and or blame elsewhere.
Over the years I have pissed a lot of folks off because I choose to do my job my way and not how they envisioned it. I’ve been thrown under the bus and had the bus backed up over me and as I laid there watching the bus drive away with my career and future I smiled and waved good bye. Because I had my pocket mirror in my hand and as I glanced at my smile…I liked what I saw. I saw me…maintaining who I am and looking at my father knowing he got it right. I know one day I will leave this Earth and you know…I’m good with it. All I know is…I simply want to be remembered as a fair guy who truly gave a damn.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Shocked, Saddened and Surprised by some of my peers...
Whitney Houston passed away last week; she was one of the greatest R&B singers to ever grace the stage and have her voice on vinyl. But at some point in her career drugs were introduced and we can all agree…she was never gonna be the same. Her claim to fame forever will be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. She inadvertently set the bar so high, I don’t believe anyone will ever sing it better than she did. And for those artists since she sang it who are bestowed the honor of singing it too…will forever be in her shadow.
Governor Christie decided to lower the flag in the state of NJ in her honor. I like so many were confused by the numerous claims of “flags” being lowered but when I found out more details and that it was the state I had and still have no issue with his decision. He did it for Clarence Clemons another famous musician and for NJANG members killed overseas. I served in the NJANG from 87-89 at which point I switched and came onto active duty. Total now…I have served 24 years. I joined the Army when it wasn’t popular and it wasn’t all too cool. The Army and our fellow services in my day was seen as a place to go when you couldn’t cut it or weren’t smart enough to go to college or you just couldn’t hack it in the “real world.” Yep, had all those things actually said to me. There was no wars going on, no glory to be sought…just serving your country. I recall a conversation between my father and I (who served 24 years as well as a tour in Vietnam and countless other Operations) in which he asked me why in the hell did I go in the Army to be a Scout? Why wasn’t I coming in to get a trade, something I could use when I got out. My response…naive as it was, I told him if I was gonna serve in the Army I was gonna do a job that I felt defined serving. He just scoffed at me and said I was stupid.
As I sat there…I quietly thought to myself…”I ain’t stupid. I know what I’m doing.” Like I said, I was naïve, proud but still young and very much naïve. When I came home from my training at Fort Knox in the summer of 1990 I recall yet another conversation my father had with me outside. He asked, “Do you know what your doing? Do you know what you have gotten yourself into? Do not call me complaining. You know all about the Army and you made your choice…so deal with it.” My response was, “Yeah…I know what I’m doing. I got it.” Again…so young and so naive. My first duty station was Ft Carson and I recall walking point on what was my first field problem; that night as I moved up and down some hills, it dawned on me…there could be someone out here whose sole purpose was to kill me. That night I grew up. That night the Army stopped being this “cool” job and with every step I took, became all too real. I changed that night…and I finally understood what my father meant.
Fast forward to today. For days I have read a lot of comments on our favorite social media site Facebook. And as I sit here on a gloomy Sunday morning I am some what saddened by some of the comments. Specifically by those who currently serve our country. These comments all came about when mentioning of the flagged being lowered to half-mast for Whitney Houston. I like everyone else made a comment. However not having the facts I asked what was being done with the flags, whose idea was it and if it was our Commander and Chief…then shame on him. I was corrected and told it was the state of NJ that was gonna lower the flag. And at that point…I felt it was fine and had no issue with it. Now I’m sure there maybe more to it but that’s about as far as I felt I needed to go.
However, I can’t say the same for my fellow Soldiers. Many have gone on rants, half cocked and made some pretty colorful comments. Last year the Army decided to call us a “Profession of Arms” a calling in which only true professionals should inquire. So that leads me back to the numerous comments. Comments which are opinions but coming from those of us who serve…I feel have gone from opinions to just poor taste…or “unprofessional.”
When I think of a “Crack-head” I think of Chris Rock’s character “Pookie” ashy lips and all from the movie “New Jack City.” Is it really necessary to call her “Crack-head?” Well she did drugs I’m sure some of you are saying. Guess cause I’m black it’s cool to call me a nigger? Or the overweight woman in the store “fat-ass” since she is fat and her ass is large. I lost someone close to me to suicide and it forever changed my perception of someone who chooses to take their life in that manner. I cringe when I sit in meetings with my fellow “professionals” and they refer to Soldiers with weight problems as “Fat asses, fat boys or fat bodies.” Is it necessary? Nope, but hey I’m skinny as hell so I guess I can put someone else down since it’s not me.
Whitney Houston was an amazing artist no one will ever be able to take that away from her. And yes, she had trouble with drugs and alcohol which surely caused her untimely departure. Some say she threw away her God given talent. I guess some of you could be pissed at me and say I’m dumb because I too squandered my talent by joining the military (cause I couldn’t get a real job) instead of going to college and becoming an artist.
But for we who are in a profession such as ours…one that by its nature is thankless…it makes me wonder. Why did so many of us join? I have heard that the generation upon us is the “Me, Me, Me” generation. Look at me, I’m in the military, everyone needs to come thank me and tell me how great I am because I have served during a time of war. Hell, ever Friday we hand out weekly awards called “Hero of the Week” in an effort to make Soldiers feel good about themselves. Kinda like handing out trophies just for playing a sport. I have lost friends and I have seen death. So all of you who don’t know what this is like…are somehow less than I am? I guess my 24 years really doesn’t mean that much when compared to some of my peers since I have only been to Iraq once while others have been more than 4 times. It seems over the years, I have spoken to and read many comments in which the consensus is the same….look at me, look at what I do, give me recognition. Really? And why did you join? Was it so you could go home and brag to your buddies about who you killed, or what you did while you were deployed? Or did you simply join because you wanted to be apart of something bigger than yourself?
Why do some of us feel the need to compare our lives to that of someone else? It’s a shame that many service members’ deaths go unnoticed to the masses. But people die everyday and we within the services don’t always know about it nor do many even care. Does it make their deaths somehow less important or meaningful because WE don’t acknowledge it? There’s a movie titled “Gardens of Stone” starring James Caan and James Earl Jones. I urge some of you to watch it.
I read a comment in which someone said, “We as Americans need to get our priorities straight.” I wondered if the writer considered himself, a Soldier, an American? One of the mottos of the Army’s Special Forces is the “Quiet Professionals.” I wonder why.
Governor Christie decided to lower the flag in the state of NJ in her honor. I like so many were confused by the numerous claims of “flags” being lowered but when I found out more details and that it was the state I had and still have no issue with his decision. He did it for Clarence Clemons another famous musician and for NJANG members killed overseas. I served in the NJANG from 87-89 at which point I switched and came onto active duty. Total now…I have served 24 years. I joined the Army when it wasn’t popular and it wasn’t all too cool. The Army and our fellow services in my day was seen as a place to go when you couldn’t cut it or weren’t smart enough to go to college or you just couldn’t hack it in the “real world.” Yep, had all those things actually said to me. There was no wars going on, no glory to be sought…just serving your country. I recall a conversation between my father and I (who served 24 years as well as a tour in Vietnam and countless other Operations) in which he asked me why in the hell did I go in the Army to be a Scout? Why wasn’t I coming in to get a trade, something I could use when I got out. My response…naive as it was, I told him if I was gonna serve in the Army I was gonna do a job that I felt defined serving. He just scoffed at me and said I was stupid.
As I sat there…I quietly thought to myself…”I ain’t stupid. I know what I’m doing.” Like I said, I was naïve, proud but still young and very much naïve. When I came home from my training at Fort Knox in the summer of 1990 I recall yet another conversation my father had with me outside. He asked, “Do you know what your doing? Do you know what you have gotten yourself into? Do not call me complaining. You know all about the Army and you made your choice…so deal with it.” My response was, “Yeah…I know what I’m doing. I got it.” Again…so young and so naive. My first duty station was Ft Carson and I recall walking point on what was my first field problem; that night as I moved up and down some hills, it dawned on me…there could be someone out here whose sole purpose was to kill me. That night I grew up. That night the Army stopped being this “cool” job and with every step I took, became all too real. I changed that night…and I finally understood what my father meant.
Fast forward to today. For days I have read a lot of comments on our favorite social media site Facebook. And as I sit here on a gloomy Sunday morning I am some what saddened by some of the comments. Specifically by those who currently serve our country. These comments all came about when mentioning of the flagged being lowered to half-mast for Whitney Houston. I like everyone else made a comment. However not having the facts I asked what was being done with the flags, whose idea was it and if it was our Commander and Chief…then shame on him. I was corrected and told it was the state of NJ that was gonna lower the flag. And at that point…I felt it was fine and had no issue with it. Now I’m sure there maybe more to it but that’s about as far as I felt I needed to go.
However, I can’t say the same for my fellow Soldiers. Many have gone on rants, half cocked and made some pretty colorful comments. Last year the Army decided to call us a “Profession of Arms” a calling in which only true professionals should inquire. So that leads me back to the numerous comments. Comments which are opinions but coming from those of us who serve…I feel have gone from opinions to just poor taste…or “unprofessional.”
When I think of a “Crack-head” I think of Chris Rock’s character “Pookie” ashy lips and all from the movie “New Jack City.” Is it really necessary to call her “Crack-head?” Well she did drugs I’m sure some of you are saying. Guess cause I’m black it’s cool to call me a nigger? Or the overweight woman in the store “fat-ass” since she is fat and her ass is large. I lost someone close to me to suicide and it forever changed my perception of someone who chooses to take their life in that manner. I cringe when I sit in meetings with my fellow “professionals” and they refer to Soldiers with weight problems as “Fat asses, fat boys or fat bodies.” Is it necessary? Nope, but hey I’m skinny as hell so I guess I can put someone else down since it’s not me.
Whitney Houston was an amazing artist no one will ever be able to take that away from her. And yes, she had trouble with drugs and alcohol which surely caused her untimely departure. Some say she threw away her God given talent. I guess some of you could be pissed at me and say I’m dumb because I too squandered my talent by joining the military (cause I couldn’t get a real job) instead of going to college and becoming an artist.
But for we who are in a profession such as ours…one that by its nature is thankless…it makes me wonder. Why did so many of us join? I have heard that the generation upon us is the “Me, Me, Me” generation. Look at me, I’m in the military, everyone needs to come thank me and tell me how great I am because I have served during a time of war. Hell, ever Friday we hand out weekly awards called “Hero of the Week” in an effort to make Soldiers feel good about themselves. Kinda like handing out trophies just for playing a sport. I have lost friends and I have seen death. So all of you who don’t know what this is like…are somehow less than I am? I guess my 24 years really doesn’t mean that much when compared to some of my peers since I have only been to Iraq once while others have been more than 4 times. It seems over the years, I have spoken to and read many comments in which the consensus is the same….look at me, look at what I do, give me recognition. Really? And why did you join? Was it so you could go home and brag to your buddies about who you killed, or what you did while you were deployed? Or did you simply join because you wanted to be apart of something bigger than yourself?
Why do some of us feel the need to compare our lives to that of someone else? It’s a shame that many service members’ deaths go unnoticed to the masses. But people die everyday and we within the services don’t always know about it nor do many even care. Does it make their deaths somehow less important or meaningful because WE don’t acknowledge it? There’s a movie titled “Gardens of Stone” starring James Caan and James Earl Jones. I urge some of you to watch it.
I read a comment in which someone said, “We as Americans need to get our priorities straight.” I wondered if the writer considered himself, a Soldier, an American? One of the mottos of the Army’s Special Forces is the “Quiet Professionals.” I wonder why.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Actions do have consequences...I'm just sayin...
12FEB12
Change was the center of my last discussion. But change has to be warranted and has to be a conscience choice. I have made numerous choices and I will live with each and everyone. Way in November of last year I was supposed to have my children for the Thanksgiving holiday. As per court order my ex spouse, Jennifer (Specht) Dingle (yes, why she still carries the name of her “abuser” is beyond me) and I are to co-parent and provide 50% of travel for all visitations. So I did what I was court ordered to do; I contacted her and tried to coordinate for my visitation. Well as per the standard, facebook found out before I did. Jennifer went all over facebook telling all her friends how she refused to comply.
Oct 28 2:29pm
Jennifer Specht ~~So now my ex is 'planning' Thanksgiving~And I have no money for gas to 'meet' the Creep~Let his stupid Girlfriend pay for it! She pays for everything else to get to see his Man Boobs~Ughhh~He's soooo GROSS!~~
Jennifer Specht ~~Ok-it's decided. If he wants his kids for Thanksgiving? He will have to do the transportation. See, 'cause I have some news for Judge M. Brent Hall-ummm-because you ALLOWED my ex Idiot to BANKRUPT us? I, simply put, DON'T have the money to drive 8 hours in 4 days so Mr. Deployed can play 'house'~Give me a BREAK!~Take THAT to Court!~
For the first time someone actually tried to reason with her and try to get her to do the right thing. But in true fashion…the words given to her fell on deaf ears.
Veronica Castilla Just to give you a bit of a heads up, regardless of your financial situation, if he is supposed to have the children for Thanksgiving and it is in the court papers you are legally obligated to the halfway or to pick them up from him. I am divorced, as well as my husband, and I have to meet my ex at a halfway point. His exwife has tried to say she can't afford it one year and we took her to court. May just be a slap on the wrist at first though. Seeing how you and him have obviously been in court repeatedly it might be harsher. Make sure you cover your bases so this doesn't fall back on you.
Jennifer Specht Ummm-I have been dragged into court 22 times in 24 months. My ex at one point motioned me to Court trying to get me Court Ordered into co-signing a loan! For real! And? I've lost 2 jobs he dragged me into Court so many times. And? I am not saying this to be vindictive-I literally don't have the money-I'm still REELING from all his motions. Girl! It took me 3 months to get Child Support and? When he gave it to me? Motioned the Court for it BACK! So-I LITERALLY don't have the money. So-if he wants to spend $500.00 taking me back? Money that could be spent on Plane tickets? Or I don't know? Christmas gifts. Shit I have no other option. I have no family and I'm single. Short of robbing a bank? There is no money. Damn-and I wish it weren't so! Lol
Well there isn’t a need to continue; the rest of the conversation was pretty much the same. Jennifer rationalizing why she didn’t need to comply and her friend simply saying cover your ass and do the right thing. The end result was that my kids didn’t come down for Thanksgiving. In a previous post I spoke of the arrogance of my ex in giving me options for seeing my kids after the courts, whom gave her primary custodianship, dictated just how visitation would work. It’s one thing if both parties agree and modify the agreement. Cool…but this isn’t the case. So she did what she always does, she took it upon herself to modify it by offering me what she felt would be a reasonable visitation. She told me I could have Spring break in exchange for not having them for Thanksgiving.
I have spent the better part of two years trying to be reasonable and work with her. So in keeping with tradition I wrote her at the end of December, a friendly reminder that she had made an offer which I was going to hold her to. I would do this far in advance so she had time to save gas money since that was her rational for not honoring the agreement for Thanksgiving. Well that didn’t go so well. The end result was I told her I’d write one email a month trying to coordinate for Spring Break:
Jennifer,
Hope this e-mail finds you well. As I made clear, one email and one email only; I stand corrected, as per rule 702 (If the parties DO NOT LIVE IN THE PROXIMITY identified in HFCR 701 above, the following parenting time schedule shall apply in the absence of a written agreement signed by both parties, except for good cause being shown) not 701 I am to have the children for thanksgiving in the odd years, you did not support the court order thus the children did not come visit with me for thanksgiving. 50% of travel (IT’S IN THE COURT ORDER) was your responsibility and your claim of “no gas money” was your reasoning for not complying. You then gave me 3 alternatives to choose from. One which you told me that I could have spring break. You said, and I quote: “I have some suggestions for a compromise; …… 3) Have the kids for Spring Break which at that time I will be better off Financially and it's for a longer visit at a great time of year. I am trying to find a solution and be fair but, again, visitation is going to have to require some type of cooperative modification at times due to the distance. Next year you will be even further so I feel we will have to work together to work things out at times so the kids get to see you and they don't worry. Let me know how you would like to handle this.”
The dates of Spring break are 9-13 April. The kids will be out of school Friday the 6th. I'd really like us to link up at our designated halfway mark around 1200 on the 7th of April which is a Saturday (Exit 158 off of I-24 south in Tennessee is the halfway point, 250 miles for both of us. Just off that exit to the west is a huge fireworks store with a huge parking lot where we can meet. It has easy access for going north and south so it won’t be an issue for you heading back home.). I will in turn then meet with you on the 15th for drop off at 1200. I have not been able to see our children since October’s fall break and I don't think getting them that Saturday is too much to ask for. Its three months away and you have plenty of time to plan as well as put a little money (approx $100.00 total in gas for the two trips) away to pay for the gas it will cost for travel. I’d appreciate a response acknowledging that I can have Spring break as you offered me, you providing 50% of travel and that the pick-up and drop off dates are good.
In a previous e-mail you made reference to Christmas and that I did not exercise my parenting time. You are incorrect. Since we do not reside in the same area we are to use rule 702 at a minimum (modifying it if WE BOTH CHOOSE TOO i.e. AGREE) B. Holidays: 3. Christmas: In odd-numbered years, the custodial or primary possessory parent has the child/children for Christmas Holiday period. In even-numbered years, the non-custodial/ non-possessory parent has the child/children for the Christmas Holiday period beginning at 6pm on the day school ends until 6pm on the day before school begins. So as you can see, I did not have parenting time as you claimed.
Out of respect I will address a few of your comments based on the three separate emails you returned, none which gave me a clear and concise yes or no about Spring break. Again you addressed the issue of gas. I am court ordered to pay child support in the amount of $1391.11. If you were to take me to court, I’m sure the Judge would not care that I was having financial difficulty, I would be ordered to pay…period or be in contempt of court. So…your point of no gas money is moot. You found money for a lawyer, cigarettes, cable you can find money for gas. How about you stop smoking or get rid of cable? I don’t know what you should do but I do know this…it’s your responsibility and the courts don’t care. They only care that you follow their guidelines for visitation.
Yes, Spring break is three months away. I’m writing in advance because you have stated you are having financial difficulty. I am trying to be understanding of that and by discussing it NOW; it gives you 3 months to SAVE the money. I am writing you about our children and visitation so it is not harassment as you have claimed.
Second e-mail; I did not GIVE you the kids for Thanksgiving, you made it clear on FB and in emails you were not going to provide 50% of travel so I didn’t see the kids. Christmas is clear: B. Holidays: 3. Christmas: In odd-numbered years, the custodial or primary possessory parent has the child/children for Christmas Holiday period. In even-numbered years, the non-custodial/ non-possessory parent has the child/children for the Christmas Holiday period beginning at 6pm on the day school ends until 6pm on the day before school begins.
And your third e-mail; I will not ASSUME anything. You will have to give me a YES or NO I can have them for Spring Break as well as acknowledgement of the drop off and pick-up dates. If we followed the Holiday rule, it would be 6pm when their spring break begins until 6pm the day before they return to school. If the school board changes things, you are the custodial parent and will know any changes before I do and in the SPIRIT of cooperation you should send me an e-mail or phone call giving me an update and time to coordinate any changes that way we BOTH aren't inconvenienced. I look forward to hearing from you and coordinating my visit. Have a great day...God bless.
And her response you ask. Very typical:
Cease and desist your harassment. I cannot and won't read this Dribble. I have tired of your threats. Your communication is unwanted and unwarranted. It's stalking. And? One day-you will be stopped. In the meantime? Go Fuck yourself.
Man…are you kidding me? I ask to see my children as per the court order and that’s what I’m met with. It’s hard to even call and talk to them because she will hover over them and grill them about our talk like a cop. She has me blocked on her phone so I’m unable to call and talk to her about any issues that arise with our kids. Her accusations are always the same, I’m abusive and I’m a harasser. I didn’t know contacting about visitation was deemed harassment. She once again called the IG here at Benning claiming was harassing her. I wonder just how much those who support her truly know about what has actually happened and goes on. I will say this to the support group, if I’m all that she says I am…where is the proof of all this? But it doesn’t matter…I just hope they continue to support her when this potentially blows up in her face
Change was the center of my last discussion. But change has to be warranted and has to be a conscience choice. I have made numerous choices and I will live with each and everyone. Way in November of last year I was supposed to have my children for the Thanksgiving holiday. As per court order my ex spouse, Jennifer (Specht) Dingle (yes, why she still carries the name of her “abuser” is beyond me) and I are to co-parent and provide 50% of travel for all visitations. So I did what I was court ordered to do; I contacted her and tried to coordinate for my visitation. Well as per the standard, facebook found out before I did. Jennifer went all over facebook telling all her friends how she refused to comply.
Oct 28 2:29pm
Jennifer Specht ~~So now my ex is 'planning' Thanksgiving~And I have no money for gas to 'meet' the Creep~Let his stupid Girlfriend pay for it! She pays for everything else to get to see his Man Boobs~Ughhh~He's soooo GROSS!~~
Jennifer Specht ~~Ok-it's decided. If he wants his kids for Thanksgiving? He will have to do the transportation. See, 'cause I have some news for Judge M. Brent Hall-ummm-because you ALLOWED my ex Idiot to BANKRUPT us? I, simply put, DON'T have the money to drive 8 hours in 4 days so Mr. Deployed can play 'house'~Give me a BREAK!~Take THAT to Court!~
For the first time someone actually tried to reason with her and try to get her to do the right thing. But in true fashion…the words given to her fell on deaf ears.
Veronica Castilla Just to give you a bit of a heads up, regardless of your financial situation, if he is supposed to have the children for Thanksgiving and it is in the court papers you are legally obligated to the halfway or to pick them up from him. I am divorced, as well as my husband, and I have to meet my ex at a halfway point. His exwife has tried to say she can't afford it one year and we took her to court. May just be a slap on the wrist at first though. Seeing how you and him have obviously been in court repeatedly it might be harsher. Make sure you cover your bases so this doesn't fall back on you.
Jennifer Specht Ummm-I have been dragged into court 22 times in 24 months. My ex at one point motioned me to Court trying to get me Court Ordered into co-signing a loan! For real! And? I've lost 2 jobs he dragged me into Court so many times. And? I am not saying this to be vindictive-I literally don't have the money-I'm still REELING from all his motions. Girl! It took me 3 months to get Child Support and? When he gave it to me? Motioned the Court for it BACK! So-I LITERALLY don't have the money. So-if he wants to spend $500.00 taking me back? Money that could be spent on Plane tickets? Or I don't know? Christmas gifts. Shit I have no other option. I have no family and I'm single. Short of robbing a bank? There is no money. Damn-and I wish it weren't so! Lol
Well there isn’t a need to continue; the rest of the conversation was pretty much the same. Jennifer rationalizing why she didn’t need to comply and her friend simply saying cover your ass and do the right thing. The end result was that my kids didn’t come down for Thanksgiving. In a previous post I spoke of the arrogance of my ex in giving me options for seeing my kids after the courts, whom gave her primary custodianship, dictated just how visitation would work. It’s one thing if both parties agree and modify the agreement. Cool…but this isn’t the case. So she did what she always does, she took it upon herself to modify it by offering me what she felt would be a reasonable visitation. She told me I could have Spring break in exchange for not having them for Thanksgiving.
I have spent the better part of two years trying to be reasonable and work with her. So in keeping with tradition I wrote her at the end of December, a friendly reminder that she had made an offer which I was going to hold her to. I would do this far in advance so she had time to save gas money since that was her rational for not honoring the agreement for Thanksgiving. Well that didn’t go so well. The end result was I told her I’d write one email a month trying to coordinate for Spring Break:
Jennifer,
Hope this e-mail finds you well. As I made clear, one email and one email only; I stand corrected, as per rule 702 (If the parties DO NOT LIVE IN THE PROXIMITY identified in HFCR 701 above, the following parenting time schedule shall apply in the absence of a written agreement signed by both parties, except for good cause being shown) not 701 I am to have the children for thanksgiving in the odd years, you did not support the court order thus the children did not come visit with me for thanksgiving. 50% of travel (IT’S IN THE COURT ORDER) was your responsibility and your claim of “no gas money” was your reasoning for not complying. You then gave me 3 alternatives to choose from. One which you told me that I could have spring break. You said, and I quote: “I have some suggestions for a compromise; …… 3) Have the kids for Spring Break which at that time I will be better off Financially and it's for a longer visit at a great time of year. I am trying to find a solution and be fair but, again, visitation is going to have to require some type of cooperative modification at times due to the distance. Next year you will be even further so I feel we will have to work together to work things out at times so the kids get to see you and they don't worry. Let me know how you would like to handle this.”
The dates of Spring break are 9-13 April. The kids will be out of school Friday the 6th. I'd really like us to link up at our designated halfway mark around 1200 on the 7th of April which is a Saturday (Exit 158 off of I-24 south in Tennessee is the halfway point, 250 miles for both of us. Just off that exit to the west is a huge fireworks store with a huge parking lot where we can meet. It has easy access for going north and south so it won’t be an issue for you heading back home.). I will in turn then meet with you on the 15th for drop off at 1200. I have not been able to see our children since October’s fall break and I don't think getting them that Saturday is too much to ask for. Its three months away and you have plenty of time to plan as well as put a little money (approx $100.00 total in gas for the two trips) away to pay for the gas it will cost for travel. I’d appreciate a response acknowledging that I can have Spring break as you offered me, you providing 50% of travel and that the pick-up and drop off dates are good.
In a previous e-mail you made reference to Christmas and that I did not exercise my parenting time. You are incorrect. Since we do not reside in the same area we are to use rule 702 at a minimum (modifying it if WE BOTH CHOOSE TOO i.e. AGREE) B. Holidays: 3. Christmas: In odd-numbered years, the custodial or primary possessory parent has the child/children for Christmas Holiday period. In even-numbered years, the non-custodial/ non-possessory parent has the child/children for the Christmas Holiday period beginning at 6pm on the day school ends until 6pm on the day before school begins. So as you can see, I did not have parenting time as you claimed.
Out of respect I will address a few of your comments based on the three separate emails you returned, none which gave me a clear and concise yes or no about Spring break. Again you addressed the issue of gas. I am court ordered to pay child support in the amount of $1391.11. If you were to take me to court, I’m sure the Judge would not care that I was having financial difficulty, I would be ordered to pay…period or be in contempt of court. So…your point of no gas money is moot. You found money for a lawyer, cigarettes, cable you can find money for gas. How about you stop smoking or get rid of cable? I don’t know what you should do but I do know this…it’s your responsibility and the courts don’t care. They only care that you follow their guidelines for visitation.
Yes, Spring break is three months away. I’m writing in advance because you have stated you are having financial difficulty. I am trying to be understanding of that and by discussing it NOW; it gives you 3 months to SAVE the money. I am writing you about our children and visitation so it is not harassment as you have claimed.
Second e-mail; I did not GIVE you the kids for Thanksgiving, you made it clear on FB and in emails you were not going to provide 50% of travel so I didn’t see the kids. Christmas is clear: B. Holidays: 3. Christmas: In odd-numbered years, the custodial or primary possessory parent has the child/children for Christmas Holiday period. In even-numbered years, the non-custodial/ non-possessory parent has the child/children for the Christmas Holiday period beginning at 6pm on the day school ends until 6pm on the day before school begins.
And your third e-mail; I will not ASSUME anything. You will have to give me a YES or NO I can have them for Spring Break as well as acknowledgement of the drop off and pick-up dates. If we followed the Holiday rule, it would be 6pm when their spring break begins until 6pm the day before they return to school. If the school board changes things, you are the custodial parent and will know any changes before I do and in the SPIRIT of cooperation you should send me an e-mail or phone call giving me an update and time to coordinate any changes that way we BOTH aren't inconvenienced. I look forward to hearing from you and coordinating my visit. Have a great day...God bless.
And her response you ask. Very typical:
Cease and desist your harassment. I cannot and won't read this Dribble. I have tired of your threats. Your communication is unwanted and unwarranted. It's stalking. And? One day-you will be stopped. In the meantime? Go Fuck yourself.
Man…are you kidding me? I ask to see my children as per the court order and that’s what I’m met with. It’s hard to even call and talk to them because she will hover over them and grill them about our talk like a cop. She has me blocked on her phone so I’m unable to call and talk to her about any issues that arise with our kids. Her accusations are always the same, I’m abusive and I’m a harasser. I didn’t know contacting about visitation was deemed harassment. She once again called the IG here at Benning claiming was harassing her. I wonder just how much those who support her truly know about what has actually happened and goes on. I will say this to the support group, if I’m all that she says I am…where is the proof of all this? But it doesn’t matter…I just hope they continue to support her when this potentially blows up in her face
Monday, January 16, 2012
REAL vs UNREAL
“Is it unrealistic to think your mate will not cheat?” I heard that question being discussed on a radio show as I drove home. I listened to callers one after the other answer it but none really seemed to address the actual question and answer it. The question originated from a book and a statement made by a Dr who said, “Women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat.” Does having a man marry you automatically men he will be faithful? So that got me thinking and inspired me to write about it based on that, so I in-turn asked Do women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat? I enjoy a verbal and mental sparing session as much as the next and many of my friends can provide that for me. I knew a question like this would generate a lot of discuss and with people coming from different backgrounds, belief systems and a multitude of variables I knew I could get some great responses to it. If anything…it’d be good water cooler talk.
I’m not arguing that men and women don’t cheat and I don’t much care for the rational or reasons for such behavior. I’m basing my statement and answer solely on how our society sees a marriage and how our society (who created the norms) view cheating. KC40: “I don't feel that it is an unrealistic expectation. I feel that in any relationship there is a possibility for either partner to cheat if there is a lack of communication and trust. Those are the key elements to a healthy relationship. When those bonds are broken and one isn't feeling fulfilled then they will seek fulfillment through others.”
So there you have it, asked and answered. Now I asked a lot more people but some didn’t respond or understood what I was asking. But I got enough responses from both married, single, men as well as women to give the question perspective. And that’s what it all boils down too. Your perception about what you expect from a relationship and it doesn’t matter which type of relationship it is. If it’s monogamous then its save to bet you have an assumption that the person you’re with will be faithful because if that wasn’t the case, as stated by MLP50 and AM50 why get involved with someone if they are or you feel they will just cheat. Either way it’s up to the individual to do what they feel is good for them moral or immoral. It’s all about your expectations.
I asked personal friends both men and women, single as well as married what they thought. And true to form, many responded and gave me answers to the question. Some short and some long but all had an opinion on the subject. Its amazing how something so simple can generate hours of talk amongst adults. Just adding a variable or perspective can then create a branch off of the discussion and take you God knows where. As I read through my responses via text it was clear that some agreed and some did not. Most did not agree.
MW38: “No, I think, if your going to cheat, your going to cheat. I think that some women think that it may make a difference but as you said its unrealistic. I think it’s more of a…“I know where I stand” kinda thing.” MW38’s male friend said, “It depends on the guy, cause some guys see that as when they would stop cheating.”
BB39: “I think men and women have that unrealistic expectation bcuz most ppl don’t even know who they r marrying or y theyre truly marrying them anymore.”
BH38: “Yes”
ZG44: “I would say yes to that as warped as it is.”
RH38: “I honestly think so.”
RH38: “I honestly think so.”
MLP50: “Yes it is unrealistic. Why would you marry a person u thought might
cheat.”
KC50: “Some do most definitely - personally I don't think so.”
Some were neutral: CF38: “Not unrealistic, marriage or no marriage it would still happen depends on the husbands character!” It’s hard to put your personal feelings aside and answer a question based solely on logic or with out the help of past experiences. AB43: “If a woman meets a man and he divorces his wife to be with her I would say yes.”
cheat.”
KC50: “Some do most definitely - personally I don't think so.”
Some were neutral: CF38: “Not unrealistic, marriage or no marriage it would still happen depends on the husbands character!” It’s hard to put your personal feelings aside and answer a question based solely on logic or with out the help of past experiences. AB43: “If a woman meets a man and he divorces his wife to be with her I would say yes.”
As for me, I personally don’t think that if a woman gets married she should think or expect anything less than the man she’s marrying will be faithful and not cheat. JR40: “No if ur married u need to keep it ur pants unless its with ur
These expectations have been engrained in our society since man and woman first wed. Your average person who gets married doesn’t do so so that they can cheat and or become a swinger. Do these things happen and or exist, yes but these things are seen as abnormal behavior and well outside of the norm. So when a woman gets married, its pretty much engrained within her to believe that her husband will provide food, shelter, love and be faithful. AM50: “I don't think that is unrealistic. Why marry if u think they will cheat.” Much like when you buy a car. You have expectations based on advertising and other mediums used to market said car. No one spends thousands of dollars expecting it not to get the gas mileage posted, or the car breaking down before you leave the lot. You have a realistic expectation that it’ll have all the items you paid for as well as what was marketed. KW40: “I don't believe its and unrealistic expectation. Especially if the two of you work to keep the passion alive!”
We all know and understand that people are uncontrollable and we as humans will do what we wish. But that doesn’t change the question and our society’s views. Cheating and adultery are commonly viewed as negative acts. So when you throw the argument out there that men are genetically conditioned to cheat it is a moot point. Mainly because we all acknowledge that both men and women can and do cheat inside and outside of marriages our society as a whole still views marriage as a sacred thing and that if you are married you shouldn’t cheat. FB42: “Women cheat just like men do. They do it better than we do!” JH37: “I don't think they are all like that. A lot of them think it's a bigger
possibility for the guy to do it than the girl. But I meet girls all the time at school or work that don't care that you have a girlfriend.” And if we all believe that once your married you should only sleep with your partner than its safe to say that we all don’t have an unrealistic view that if a man and woman wed, they are expected not to cheat. CMCD50: “It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic. She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat. Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.
For me however, I don't think that's true. I have had an affair with a married man but I think, and as he put it, "opportunity just presented itself". I believe that there are good men who don't cheat, just like there are women who don't. It all comes down to a choice. You're either going to or you're not. If cheating is in the heart of someone, it doesn't matter if they had the best marriage or not, they will cheat.
So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that women have unrealistic expectations that their husband's will cheat. I don't think you can categorize all men as cheaters. When women love their husband's, they put their faith and trust in them. It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic. She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat. Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.”
possibility for the guy to do it than the girl. But I meet girls all the time at school or work that don't care that you have a girlfriend.” And if we all believe that once your married you should only sleep with your partner than its safe to say that we all don’t have an unrealistic view that if a man and woman wed, they are expected not to cheat. CMCD50: “It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic. She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat. Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.
For me however, I don't think that's true. I have had an affair with a married man but I think, and as he put it, "opportunity just presented itself". I believe that there are good men who don't cheat, just like there are women who don't. It all comes down to a choice. You're either going to or you're not. If cheating is in the heart of someone, it doesn't matter if they had the best marriage or not, they will cheat.
So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that women have unrealistic expectations that their husband's will cheat. I don't think you can categorize all men as cheaters. When women love their husband's, they put their faith and trust in them. It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic. She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat. Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.”
So there you have it, asked and answered. Now I asked a lot more people but some didn’t respond or understood what I was asking. But I got enough responses from both married, single, men as well as women to give the question perspective. And that’s what it all boils down too. Your perception about what you expect from a relationship and it doesn’t matter which type of relationship it is. If it’s monogamous then its save to bet you have an assumption that the person you’re with will be faithful because if that wasn’t the case, as stated by MLP50 and AM50 why get involved with someone if they are or you feel they will just cheat. Either way it’s up to the individual to do what they feel is good for them moral or immoral. It’s all about your expectations.
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