REAL vs UNREAL

 “Is it unrealistic to think your mate will not cheat?” I heard that question being discussed on a radio show as I drove home. I listened to callers one after the other answer it but none really seemed to address the actual question and answer it. The question originated from a book and a statement made by a Dr who said, “Women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat.” Does having a man marry you automatically men he will be faithful? So that got me thinking and inspired me to write about it based on that, so I in-turn asked Do women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat? I enjoy a verbal and mental sparing session as much as the next and many of my friends can provide that for me. I knew a question like this would generate a lot of discuss and with people coming from different backgrounds, belief systems and a multitude of variables I knew I could get some great responses to it. If anything…it’d be good water cooler talk.

 I asked personal friends both men and women, single as well as married what they thought. And true to form, many responded and gave me answers to the question. Some short and some long but all had an opinion on the subject. Its amazing how something so simple can generate hours of talk amongst adults. Just adding a variable or perspective can then create a branch off of the discussion and take you God knows where. As I read through my responses via text it was clear that some agreed and some did not. Most did not agree.

MW38: “No, I think, if your going to cheat, your going to cheat. I think that some women think that it may make a difference but as you said its unrealistic. I think it’s more of a…“I know where I stand” kinda thing.” MW38’s male friend said, “It depends on the guy, cause some guys see that as when they would stop cheating.”

 

BB39: “I think men and women have that unrealistic expectation bcuz most ppl don’t even know who they r marrying or y theyre truly marrying them anymore.”

 

BH38: “Yes”

ZG44: “I would say yes to that as warped as it is.”

RH38: “I honestly think so.”

MLP50: “Yes it is unrealistic. Why would you marry a person u thought might
cheat.”

KC50: “Some do most definitely - personally I don't think so.”

Some were neutral: CF38: “Not unrealistic, marriage or no marriage it would still happen depends on the husbands character!” It’s hard to put your personal feelings aside and answer a question based solely on logic or with out the help of past experiences. AB43: “If a woman meets a man and he divorces his wife to be with her I would say yes.”

 As for me, I personally don’t think that if a woman gets married she should think or expect anything less than the man she’s marrying will be faithful and not cheat. JR40: “No if ur married u need to keep it ur pants unless its with ur wife!!!” And here is why, within our society we have certain stereotypes as well as social norms. These are things that have been present within our society for hundreds of years. And when it comes to marriage and fidelity those are HUGE stereotypes as well as expectations. AC38: “Well, I must have an unrealistic expectation that a man shouldn't cheat at all.” When your average person gets married they inherently do so with certain expectations. HR35: “Hey my wife said no, but I think it applys to both sides of the house. Some women get men to marry with the hope their love one won’t cheat. But if a person is going to cheat they would even if they are not married.”

 These expectations have been engrained in our society since man and woman first wed. Your average person who gets married doesn’t do so so that they can cheat and or become a swinger. Do these things happen and or exist, yes but these things are seen as abnormal behavior and well outside of the norm. So when a woman gets married, its pretty much engrained within her to believe that her husband will provide food, shelter, love and be faithful. AM50: “I don't think that is unrealistic. Why marry if u think they will cheat.” Much like when you buy a car. You have expectations based on advertising and other mediums used to market said car. No one spends thousands of dollars expecting it not to get the gas mileage posted, or the car breaking down before you leave the lot. You have a realistic expectation that it’ll have all the items you paid for as well as what was marketed. KW40: “I don't believe its and unrealistic expectation. Especially if the two of you work to keep the passion alive!”

 We all know and understand that people are uncontrollable and we as humans will do what we wish. But that doesn’t change the question and our society’s views. Cheating and adultery are commonly viewed as negative acts. So when you throw the argument out there that men are genetically conditioned to cheat it is a moot point. Mainly because we all acknowledge that both men and women can and do cheat inside and outside of marriages our society as a whole still views marriage as a sacred thing and that if you are married you shouldn’t cheat. FB42: “Women cheat just like men do. They do it better than we do!” JH37: “I don't think they are all like that. A lot of them think it's a bigger
possibility for the guy to do it than the girl. But I meet girls all the time at school or work that don't care that you have a girlfriend.” And if we all believe that once your married you should only sleep with your partner than its safe to say that we all don’t have an unrealistic view that if a man and woman wed, they are expected not to cheat. CMCD50: “It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic.  She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat.  Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce. 
   For me however, I don't think that's true.  I have had an affair with a married man but I think, and as he put it, "opportunity just presented itself".  I believe that there are good men who don't cheat, just like there are women who don't.  It all comes down to a choice.  You're either going to or you're not.  If cheating is in the heart of someone, it doesn't matter if they had the best marriage or not, they will cheat. 
   So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that women have unrealistic expectations that their husband's will cheat.  I don't think you can categorize all men as cheaters.  When women love their husband's, they put their faith and trust in them. It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic.  She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat.  Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.”

  I’m not arguing that men and women don’t cheat and I don’t much care for the rational or reasons for such behavior. I’m basing my statement and answer solely on how our society sees a marriage and how our society (who created the norms) view cheating. KC40:  “I don't feel that it is an unrealistic expectation. I feel that in any relationship there is a possibility for either partner to cheat if there is a lack of communication and trust. Those are the key elements to a healthy relationship. When those bonds are broken and one isn't feeling fulfilled then they will seek fulfillment through others.”

   So there you have it, asked and answered. Now I asked a lot more people but some didn’t respond or understood what I was asking. But I got enough responses from both married, single, men as well as women to give the question perspective. And that’s what it all boils down too. Your perception about what you expect from a relationship and it doesn’t matter which type of relationship it is. If it’s monogamous then its save to bet you have an assumption that the person you’re with will be faithful because if that wasn’t the case, as stated by MLP50 and AM50 why get involved with someone if they are or you feel they will just cheat. Either way it’s up to the individual to do what they feel is good for them moral or immoral. It’s all about your expectations.