REAL vs UNREAL

 “Is it unrealistic to think your mate will not cheat?” I heard that question being discussed on a radio show as I drove home. I listened to callers one after the other answer it but none really seemed to address the actual question and answer it. The question originated from a book and a statement made by a Dr who said, “Women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat.” Does having a man marry you automatically men he will be faithful? So that got me thinking and inspired me to write about it based on that, so I in-turn asked Do women have an unrealistic expectation that if they get married their husbands will not cheat? I enjoy a verbal and mental sparing session as much as the next and many of my friends can provide that for me. I knew a question like this would generate a lot of discuss and with people coming from different backgrounds, belief systems and a multitude of variables I knew I could get some great responses to it. If anything…it’d be good water cooler talk.

 I asked personal friends both men and women, single as well as married what they thought. And true to form, many responded and gave me answers to the question. Some short and some long but all had an opinion on the subject. Its amazing how something so simple can generate hours of talk amongst adults. Just adding a variable or perspective can then create a branch off of the discussion and take you God knows where. As I read through my responses via text it was clear that some agreed and some did not. Most did not agree.

MW38: “No, I think, if your going to cheat, your going to cheat. I think that some women think that it may make a difference but as you said its unrealistic. I think it’s more of a…“I know where I stand” kinda thing.” MW38’s male friend said, “It depends on the guy, cause some guys see that as when they would stop cheating.”

 

BB39: “I think men and women have that unrealistic expectation bcuz most ppl don’t even know who they r marrying or y theyre truly marrying them anymore.”

 

BH38: “Yes”

ZG44: “I would say yes to that as warped as it is.”

RH38: “I honestly think so.”

MLP50: “Yes it is unrealistic. Why would you marry a person u thought might
cheat.”

KC50: “Some do most definitely - personally I don't think so.”

Some were neutral: CF38: “Not unrealistic, marriage or no marriage it would still happen depends on the husbands character!” It’s hard to put your personal feelings aside and answer a question based solely on logic or with out the help of past experiences. AB43: “If a woman meets a man and he divorces his wife to be with her I would say yes.”

 As for me, I personally don’t think that if a woman gets married she should think or expect anything less than the man she’s marrying will be faithful and not cheat. JR40: “No if ur married u need to keep it ur pants unless its with ur wife!!!” And here is why, within our society we have certain stereotypes as well as social norms. These are things that have been present within our society for hundreds of years. And when it comes to marriage and fidelity those are HUGE stereotypes as well as expectations. AC38: “Well, I must have an unrealistic expectation that a man shouldn't cheat at all.” When your average person gets married they inherently do so with certain expectations. HR35: “Hey my wife said no, but I think it applys to both sides of the house. Some women get men to marry with the hope their love one won’t cheat. But if a person is going to cheat they would even if they are not married.”

 These expectations have been engrained in our society since man and woman first wed. Your average person who gets married doesn’t do so so that they can cheat and or become a swinger. Do these things happen and or exist, yes but these things are seen as abnormal behavior and well outside of the norm. So when a woman gets married, its pretty much engrained within her to believe that her husband will provide food, shelter, love and be faithful. AM50: “I don't think that is unrealistic. Why marry if u think they will cheat.” Much like when you buy a car. You have expectations based on advertising and other mediums used to market said car. No one spends thousands of dollars expecting it not to get the gas mileage posted, or the car breaking down before you leave the lot. You have a realistic expectation that it’ll have all the items you paid for as well as what was marketed. KW40: “I don't believe its and unrealistic expectation. Especially if the two of you work to keep the passion alive!”

 We all know and understand that people are uncontrollable and we as humans will do what we wish. But that doesn’t change the question and our society’s views. Cheating and adultery are commonly viewed as negative acts. So when you throw the argument out there that men are genetically conditioned to cheat it is a moot point. Mainly because we all acknowledge that both men and women can and do cheat inside and outside of marriages our society as a whole still views marriage as a sacred thing and that if you are married you shouldn’t cheat. FB42: “Women cheat just like men do. They do it better than we do!” JH37: “I don't think they are all like that. A lot of them think it's a bigger
possibility for the guy to do it than the girl. But I meet girls all the time at school or work that don't care that you have a girlfriend.” And if we all believe that once your married you should only sleep with your partner than its safe to say that we all don’t have an unrealistic view that if a man and woman wed, they are expected not to cheat. CMCD50: “It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic.  She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat.  Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce. 
   For me however, I don't think that's true.  I have had an affair with a married man but I think, and as he put it, "opportunity just presented itself".  I believe that there are good men who don't cheat, just like there are women who don't.  It all comes down to a choice.  You're either going to or you're not.  If cheating is in the heart of someone, it doesn't matter if they had the best marriage or not, they will cheat. 
   So, to answer your question, no, I don't think that women have unrealistic expectations that their husband's will cheat.  I don't think you can categorize all men as cheaters.  When women love their husband's, they put their faith and trust in them. It's funny that you ask that question because my GF and I was just discussing that very topic.  She's come to the conclusion that every man, including the good one's, cheat.  Her husband cheated on her for years but never wanted a divorce.”

  I’m not arguing that men and women don’t cheat and I don’t much care for the rational or reasons for such behavior. I’m basing my statement and answer solely on how our society sees a marriage and how our society (who created the norms) view cheating. KC40:  “I don't feel that it is an unrealistic expectation. I feel that in any relationship there is a possibility for either partner to cheat if there is a lack of communication and trust. Those are the key elements to a healthy relationship. When those bonds are broken and one isn't feeling fulfilled then they will seek fulfillment through others.”

   So there you have it, asked and answered. Now I asked a lot more people but some didn’t respond or understood what I was asking. But I got enough responses from both married, single, men as well as women to give the question perspective. And that’s what it all boils down too. Your perception about what you expect from a relationship and it doesn’t matter which type of relationship it is. If it’s monogamous then its save to bet you have an assumption that the person you’re with will be faithful because if that wasn’t the case, as stated by MLP50 and AM50 why get involved with someone if they are or you feel they will just cheat. Either way it’s up to the individual to do what they feel is good for them moral or immoral. It’s all about your expectations.

It's 2012

Its 2012, another year is here and as we all know, time waits for no one. It seems that 2012 has some significance for many within our society. I have heard several times, that 2012 is going to be big. The Army says it, our government says it…change seems to be the consensus. But what is this change that many are talking about? Is their some significance? I know, according to the movies and John Cusack there is going to be crazy weather and a massive flood that will cover the Earth. Glad they made those new high-speed arks. LOL.



So…back to reality and the year that is 2012. But before we do that last recap 2011. It was a year of many ups and downs, especially for me and the Dingle children. The New Year came in and within it a new move that would take me and possibly my kids to Georgia at the end of the summer. It saw my relationship with my oldest deteriorate to no contact after he threw a party in my home while we were in SC visiting my folks. Work was work and I found myself serving as a First Sergeant again. Soon after that, I found myself in court for what would be the last of two times that I would set foot in Hardin County as a resident of KY. The biggest being that when I asked the courts to be the primary custodian. When the dust settled my former spouse was named the primary custodian. Though she made several politically correct claims of "co-parenting" it’d only take a few weeks and her true colors would show. But by that time I had already left the state and living in Alabama. The kids got to spend the remainder of the summer with me and we made the best of our few weeks together. I returned the kids to Kentucky a week shy of school starting with my life starting down here in Georgia and I’d soon find myself back in court again this time via telephone. After gaining custody, my ex-spouse decided to take me back to court seeking more of the marital assets. And when the dust settled the Judge gave her some of what she wanted with one stipulation, she had to come here to Alabama to get it. Oh…and she had 60 days to do it. To my surprise she did and it was during fall break so the best part was I got another week with my kids.


Fall break was followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas signifying the end of another year which brings us to 2012 and back to a year of change. What change will be brought in with the New Year? I’m not sure but I do know one thing; if its change you want then it is change you must seek. If its peace you wish, then you have to find it. Whether its in a book or in a church; peace just isn’t gonna drop into your lap. If it’s weight loss you crave then you won’t find it in front of a TV. You must become active and take an active roll in loosing the weight that you wish. Gym time, eating right or going to church…you do whatever it takes to meet your goal. But whatever it is you seek in 2012, it is clearly up to you to make it happen. I decided not to make a New Years resolution instead I just simply declared what it is I planned on doing for myself this year. And knowing that, set out to do exactly what it is I said I’d do. So now I move towards my goals one day at a time. Doing my best to not over extend myself nor allow my life’s journey to overwhelm me as life can do. Wake up each morning with direction and a sense of purpose. I have three readings posted at my door that I read before walking out to start my day. To me, it helps set the tone, give focus and  remind me to be good throughout the day; stay away from the negative. So 2012 is supposed to be a year of change and change we all will see. But what kinda of change…it’s clearly up to us.