Choices We Make

Knocked this one out while I was in Korea back in 2009.

Choice, a decision one makes when asked or forced to decide between two alternatives. Life as we know it…is full of choices, millions and millions of choices. Choices we as people make each and every single day. Do I get up at 6 or at 7? Do I eat lunch or skip it? Do I buy it now or later? Everyday, day in and day out it’s almost all we do; make a choice. And once we make that choice, we then have to live with the consequences of said choice. The answer maybe as simple as can you live with the consequences of your choice?!


Wondering will eventually lead you to what and or why do we make the choices we make. Is it fear? Honor? Integrity? What? What is it that drives one to do or attempt to do what we may feel is morally right? Where do we as humans get the desire to make our choices? Is it based on our life experiences or something we have seen or learned?

When I was about 6 years old I recall vividly, a conversation I had with my Mom. The subject was right vs. wrong, lying, stealing and so on. The one thing that impacted me the most was what she said, “Jay, you can do what you want but one day you will have to account for your sins.” Now, being a 6 year old who had a very colorful imagination I took it to heart. In my little mind I envisioned me standing in front of a podium facing this tall and thin white gentleman, white hair, white beard and white suit. On this podium in front of him was a large book; brown leather backing with gold trim on the edges of the pages. And in this book was everything single thing I had ever done in my entire life…good and bad.

As I stood in front of him he opened it and I could see dust rise through the air as he turned the pages. Once at the section about me he started and began to read, “Ok Jay, on 3 May 1976 you stole a truck from the playground. Why?”

And from there it continued, I was standing there…accounting for every single thing I did wrong. Because this was for real and if I wanted to get into heaven, I’d better be able to explain my actions, all of them.

Those images, thoughts and in turn how I felt, stuck with me throughout my childhood. Anytime I would think of doing something wrong I would envision that angelic gentleman, his book…and choose right over wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, I did things I should not have but the things I did I felt I had the ability to explain them. So that image became a huge piece of what I now call my moral compass. You might say it IS the compass because I still use it to this day and so far, it has not let me down or put me in a place where I felt I shouldn’t be. In Iraq…it was present and when we could probably have shot or killed Iraqis we never did. No ghosts for us, no nightmares.

Fast forward to today, I sit and battle with myself about the choices I have made in my life and if I made the correct ones. How do you know that you’re doing it right?

Currently my life is in a state of turmoil. My wife of 12 years filed for divorce and the thought of my family separated is one I do not wish to see come to pass. But I have learned that I have no control over any of this. The only thing that I can control; are the choices that I choose to make. And that brings us back to my original statement...how do you know when you are making the correct choice. “Follow your mind/heart and you’ll never go wrong,” that’s what my Mom likes to say.

So what does it mean? Well to me it’s about trust and belief. You have to believe that you know what you’re doing is right, right for you. Guess it goes back to that moral compass that I mentioned earlier. If it feels right, than maybe it’s the right choice. Now if it doesn’t sit well with you, than it’s possible, that you have made the wrong choice. Sounds simple doesn’t it? At least I thought so, until I found myself questioning some of my very own choices.

This past summer I had to make a very tough choice, I needed to go home and see my wife and kids. It was a difficult choice since there was a lot of underlying issues. I spent $2,000.00 on a plane ticket and flew home to see my family. During that time I was afforded the opportunity to learn a little more about myself and I was really glad for that. My son made the All-Star Baseball team for his league and I watched him play in three separate tournaments. The final one, he played awesomely. I was so very proud of him and his performance. One of his hits, which was a double, is currently my wallpaper on my laptop. I would gladly go through it all again just to see my son play. I made the right choice and the memories I have are proof of that.

When you find yourself in a place you don’t want to be, it seems that every Tom, Dick and Harry have a potential solution to your problem. Most of these solutions come in the form of choices. As if you didn’t already have enough on your preverbal plate, now here are a few more for you to contemplate and confuse you further. Then what’s even tougher is when that moral compass you rely on seems to stop working or the choices that are in front of you all start to blend all to well. Now you’re stuck and or confused because you’re not sure if your compass is working.

I have made choices in my life which has saved as well as ended lives. Those were some of the toughest ones I have made in my still so very young life. I have made choices to go after my dreams as well as watch them fade out. I made the choice to leave college behind and venture out into my own, on a quest to live my life on my terms. I made the choice to get married at a young age and when that marriage failed, I had to live with the choice I made as well the one someone else made…not I. I am the one who made the choice, in the form of an order, which ended a 13 year old boy’s life. That too was a choice I didn’t wish to make.

During combat operations in Iraq, my platoon was tasked with setting an outer cordon during a massive raid our battalion was conducting. Our orders, based on the intelligence provided, were to view any vehicles leaving the compound as hostile enemy Soldiers fleeing and engage them. The rules of engagement were simple, we would fire warning shots and if they refused to stop, then we would view them as a hostile treat and engage.

After we were established at our position we noticed vehicles moving east inside the compound. I called it up. Minutes later we saw two vehicles leaving so again I called it up. As the vehicles headed in our direction I gave the order to fire warning shots. They didn’t stop. We fired again…still the vehicles didn’t stop. I called up once again and was told I had my orders; my call, my orders…my choice. FIRE!
When it was all said and done, two Iraqis were dead and one was a 13 year old boy. My actions that day were just. The choice I made was the right one. But that choice still ended two lives one being a young boy. That is something that will stay with me forever.
I sit and often wonder am I getting it right. I look back on my life and think what if I had not gotten married the first time? That choice…set me on the path which got me here. Had I not gotten married would I still be here? Can I look myself in the mirror at the end of the day? Can I look my four children in the face and have them look back at me? Because knowing their father is a good man and made choices for them that sometimes were not very popular but would set them on the road to success. Or the most important to turn down my ex-wife and choose their mother. Ultimately, the choice to fall for their mother and have them…best choice anyone could make.
I ask God on occasion for a lil help or a point in the right direction. Sometimes he gives a clear answer and sometimes it’s not. But there you have another choice, listen or not listen. But making the wrong choice can have dire consequences. No one likes to be wrong; at least I know I don’t like to be. Not that I can’t admit that I am wrong, it’s just a level of content ness you feel when you make a choice and it works out. It’s like a ray of sunshine coming through your window on a cold winter’s day. Think back to when you were little and the warmth that you felt when you sat on the floor and that sunshine hit you as you played right in front of the window. Man that felt great didn’t it? That warmth is what I feel inside when I make the right choice. Whether it’s helping others or myself…it just feels good to make the right choice.