This is what I wrote my ex-spouse about our children's return. I found out she replied to this e-mail in her normal fashion. This will give you a little insight into how I have dealt with her and in return how she deals with me.
Jennifer,
As I informed you with the previous email, I will be returning the kids to you on Saturday the 23rd, ETA 1700. The reason for the later time is I am trying to bring some of the kids belongings via uhaul. If I get my HHG I will bring back what they wish for me to return. Moo wants her bed and for her other main items to remain here. I also know you have a bunkbed for the boys so I I can fit their dressers I will bring them along with what ever else they want.
As far as support for our kids. I think for you to have contacted everyone in my chain of command and concern and to go outside that and then contact the Armor School CSM...Jennifer you wanted out of th marriage, you drove this train and now you dislike the destination and wish to change directions and track...not gonna happen.
I love our kids and I will always be there and support them the best I can no matter what you do. They have a copy of all our stuff on file with the IG's office here at FBGA so you can contact them but they already have been informed of you by my chain of command.
Next is child support. You know its gonna be based on how much you make as well as I. Its estimated at 1400.00 a month. I will contact Dawn and make sure I'm good to pay you that amount on 1AUG since you will have the kids and school starts in two days. I want to make sure I get credit for paying early without the court order for child support being in place.
I have stopped shielding the kids from all this because no matter how hard I try...you will not allow me too. So this "agreement" is fully known by them because I discussed it with them weeks ago so they know the truth and understand how your actions affect me and my finances and inturn how it affects them. I had planned on spending money on school cloths and such but they understand by you dragging me to court I have to again pay my lawyer which is taking money away from them.
I've always cooperated with you...yet you always try to portray me as this "stereotypical" blackman in the Army who won't take care of his kids. Well I always do what's right and you know that. Also the "martial property," you are seeking a fair distrobution of said property. Well...becareful what you wish for, I have advised that if this goes before the judge ALL MARITAL PROPERTY WILL BE EQUALLY DISTRUBUTED. You forget that all the debt was jointly in our names so I will ask that you take half of all the debt. So all will be on the table so to speak. None of this ever had to go down like this but you seem to feed on the craziness of all this and its crystal clear to all except you. I'm truly sorry for the place you have found yourself in. I did my best to set us up both for success in the eyes of our friends, family and most importantly our children. Yet you have fought me as if I were trying to destroy you and yourr name when in actualality...I was trying to look out for you and part as friends not enemies. The judge said you will never cooperate with me nor co-parent. This sentiment has been echoed by all yet I still try. Guess I hope that one day the woman I fell in love with and married will show up and we can move into our kids future as friends and work together. Yeah...its a dream that I will continue to hold on too.
I hope you are successful in your new career and life as a single mother as you have always asked to be. According to rule 702-704 I know what I'm entitled. Id like the kids for fall break in October and according to it being an odd year I will have thanksgiving and you xmas. Take care and godspeed Jennifer....
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Court is finished...it's all done now.... Part II
Well as I Pulled up the street and crested the small hill I looked right and there it was…the Mazda. You got to be kidding me! Nope, not kidding, Jennifer was over at Dee’s house acting like she’d won the lottery and in clear violation of the DVO. But guess what…couldn’t exactly call the police on her now could I? It’d look like I was vindictive and little. I wasn’t going to stoop to her level so I backed into the driveway and went inside. She hadn’t been across the street for months but today…whatever. I had gotten numerous calls and simply hit ignore. I didn’t really care to talk to anyone. I just simply needed to be still and just let it all sink in. I made a standard reply for texting to and sent it to anyone who texted me.
You’d think that the kids, after getting what they have been asking and begging for for months would be jumping for joy. But they really weren’t. It was almost like they themselves were surprised. It felt like they said what they wanted their Mom to hear but deep down inside they wanted something differently. I could even see this in Moo. She was complaining about her new Laptop I gotten her and I told her Mom was gonna have to deal with it. Tears formed in her eyes, “Are you gonna now punish me?!?” “No Moo I’m just saying, it’s gonna be on your Mom to get you virus protection because I may not have time to get it off AKO.” I shut the door and went up stairs to lie down.
I looked outside and saw Jeff playing with Dee’s grandkids. I had asked my kids why they hadn’t been playing with them prior to today, Maddy thought the girls were weird and the boys…well they had no interest. But if you asked Dee, it was because I wouldn’t let them. Wrong, I didn’t let them come over to HER HOUSE for one simple reason…she had gone on Facebook numerous times and talked bad about me knowing fully well my children could read her comments. My lawyer questioned her about this in court; was it appropriate for her to go on Jennifer’s wall and make comments about their father knowing that they could read these negative things? She basically said it was her choice and her right. When asked about Jennifer making comments on her wall about me and it’s appropriateness as well as was it becoming of a parent…she said, “I have no opinion on it.”
After relaxing for a few I decided to do a lil work when my man Rich showed up, great timing. We talked for a bit and I explained what had happened and how I in turn felt. We decided to go to Ryan’s and get a bite to eat. Rome had been sleeping in the living room so I woke him up and asked if he wanted to come. Jeff was across the street since Jennifer was keeping him on a short lease and the kids were all supposed to have dinner at Dee’s with their Mom…in celebration of her victory. Some dinner, Moo had already left for a friends, Rome was with me which left Jeff. Like I said, for kids who had just been given their “wish” they sure weren’t acting like it.
When we got home Jeff was pretty upset that we had went top Ryan’s without him and I explained it was a last minute thing and that he was with his Mom so what’s the problem; nothing but attitude from my lil man. By this time he and Rome were both in the driveway with me and Rich so I had a lil chat with them about court and what took place. I asked why I was getting attitude when they had gotten what they wanted. “You wanted to live with Mom…well now you got it so why you’re acting all pissy with me…I don’t have a clue.” We all stood around and talked more about it as Jeff, of course, asked more questions. Rich chimed in to help Jeff understand some things…like I said, Rich is my man. Jeff didn’t believe the summer visitation as we were explaining it. He kept saying that’s not what Mom said. I didn’t care what “Mom” said, I know what the judge said and that’s all that matters.
I contacted Jennifer via text to inform her of the plan and received two drunken phone calls blasting me. How dare I take our kids for the summer, I’d had them for a year and I was a horrible father for making them come with me to Georgia for 3 weeks and potentially have a goodtime with Dad. Anyhoo, texts soon followed and come the 1st of July the threats for money came too. I had better pay her the kid’s child support and she wanted her check by noon. I ignored it along with the 30 or so texts I received threatening she was gonna call everyone in the Army (which she did) and tell them how was gonna wisk my kids off to Georgia where they’d be stuck in a hotel for 3 weeks. How cruel of a Father I am.
Well as the days progressed the calls and texts continued. Now she wanted the washer and dryer. She didn’t want them for her but for the kids since she now had custody she needed them and since I had “Illegally” taken all the martial property (forget that she signed the settlement) she was gonna take me back to court and I’d have to bring it all back. Hahahaha. Ahhh, I needed a good laugh and she wasn’t getting anything else from me. I would be playing around 1400 a month for child support not counting the 394 for her car payment. Well that ain’t happening. See, when we separated and the agreement was set, she never bothered to define a dollar amount. So you can’t enforce what you don’t have. She now has to have her lawyer file the paperwork asking for child support and until then she gets nothing. Knowing this she started demanding my BAH. Again, she listens to too many shit house lawyers cause she isn’t entitled to it. Our original agreement is in effect until the new amount is filed in the courts. She doesn’t like it but hey…that’s how the system works.
You’d think that the kids, after getting what they have been asking and begging for for months would be jumping for joy. But they really weren’t. It was almost like they themselves were surprised. It felt like they said what they wanted their Mom to hear but deep down inside they wanted something differently. I could even see this in Moo. She was complaining about her new Laptop I gotten her and I told her Mom was gonna have to deal with it. Tears formed in her eyes, “Are you gonna now punish me?!?” “No Moo I’m just saying, it’s gonna be on your Mom to get you virus protection because I may not have time to get it off AKO.” I shut the door and went up stairs to lie down.
I looked outside and saw Jeff playing with Dee’s grandkids. I had asked my kids why they hadn’t been playing with them prior to today, Maddy thought the girls were weird and the boys…well they had no interest. But if you asked Dee, it was because I wouldn’t let them. Wrong, I didn’t let them come over to HER HOUSE for one simple reason…she had gone on Facebook numerous times and talked bad about me knowing fully well my children could read her comments. My lawyer questioned her about this in court; was it appropriate for her to go on Jennifer’s wall and make comments about their father knowing that they could read these negative things? She basically said it was her choice and her right. When asked about Jennifer making comments on her wall about me and it’s appropriateness as well as was it becoming of a parent…she said, “I have no opinion on it.”
After relaxing for a few I decided to do a lil work when my man Rich showed up, great timing. We talked for a bit and I explained what had happened and how I in turn felt. We decided to go to Ryan’s and get a bite to eat. Rome had been sleeping in the living room so I woke him up and asked if he wanted to come. Jeff was across the street since Jennifer was keeping him on a short lease and the kids were all supposed to have dinner at Dee’s with their Mom…in celebration of her victory. Some dinner, Moo had already left for a friends, Rome was with me which left Jeff. Like I said, for kids who had just been given their “wish” they sure weren’t acting like it.
When we got home Jeff was pretty upset that we had went top Ryan’s without him and I explained it was a last minute thing and that he was with his Mom so what’s the problem; nothing but attitude from my lil man. By this time he and Rome were both in the driveway with me and Rich so I had a lil chat with them about court and what took place. I asked why I was getting attitude when they had gotten what they wanted. “You wanted to live with Mom…well now you got it so why you’re acting all pissy with me…I don’t have a clue.” We all stood around and talked more about it as Jeff, of course, asked more questions. Rich chimed in to help Jeff understand some things…like I said, Rich is my man. Jeff didn’t believe the summer visitation as we were explaining it. He kept saying that’s not what Mom said. I didn’t care what “Mom” said, I know what the judge said and that’s all that matters.
I contacted Jennifer via text to inform her of the plan and received two drunken phone calls blasting me. How dare I take our kids for the summer, I’d had them for a year and I was a horrible father for making them come with me to Georgia for 3 weeks and potentially have a goodtime with Dad. Anyhoo, texts soon followed and come the 1st of July the threats for money came too. I had better pay her the kid’s child support and she wanted her check by noon. I ignored it along with the 30 or so texts I received threatening she was gonna call everyone in the Army (which she did) and tell them how was gonna wisk my kids off to Georgia where they’d be stuck in a hotel for 3 weeks. How cruel of a Father I am.
Well as the days progressed the calls and texts continued. Now she wanted the washer and dryer. She didn’t want them for her but for the kids since she now had custody she needed them and since I had “Illegally” taken all the martial property (forget that she signed the settlement) she was gonna take me back to court and I’d have to bring it all back. Hahahaha. Ahhh, I needed a good laugh and she wasn’t getting anything else from me. I would be playing around 1400 a month for child support not counting the 394 for her car payment. Well that ain’t happening. See, when we separated and the agreement was set, she never bothered to define a dollar amount. So you can’t enforce what you don’t have. She now has to have her lawyer file the paperwork asking for child support and until then she gets nothing. Knowing this she started demanding my BAH. Again, she listens to too many shit house lawyers cause she isn’t entitled to it. Our original agreement is in effect until the new amount is filed in the courts. She doesn’t like it but hey…that’s how the system works.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Court is finished...it's all done now....
Well I promised all that’d I’d write and explain how Jennifer ended up with custody after more than two years of being non-compliant and refusing to co-parent with me. Well it boiled down to one factor…our kids being 14, 13 and 10 and them being allowed to have a say in where they’d live. So each child went into court alone and spoke to the judge as well as being questioned by both attorneys. The boys both made it clear that they loved both me and their mother and that they didn’t want to choose where they lived. Madison how ever, made it extremely clear where she wanted to live as well as how she felt about me. She explained how I have never done anything for her, I don’t do anything for her and how she wanted to live with her Mom.
So when it was time for summations my attorney went first pointing out all the things I have done to co-parent and foster a relationship with not only my kids but their Mom as well. Jennifer’s attorney couldn’t really say much since he had just taken the case a few weeks earlier. Why her previous attorney dropped her…only God knows. But he was paid for by the neighbor across the street who has become Jennifer’s “Fill in” Mom. Not only did she pay for Jennifer’s lawyer, but has been giving her money for food since she is currently unemployed. Yes she lost yet another job and according to her, it was because of hundreds of times she has been drug to court by me. Truth be told we have been to court a total of 9 times. 3 of those by me specifically; these include Once for The DVO (Domestic Violence Order), for her to take responsibility of the Mazda and just now for primary custodian.
After both attorneys’ were done the judge spoke. I sat there and I could tell it wasn’t going to be what I wanted to hear. As he spoke to me and Jennifer about how many times we had been in his court room over the past two years he looked over at me and started talking directly to me about what he thought of me, my parenting and my numerous attempts at co-parenting with her. He explained that she would never co-parent with me and how it was a shame. I was to be commended for my behavior and right now I was the “Superior” parent. As I sat there and listened…my heart was breaking but part of me knew it was going to be alright. I had spent the last two years doing it right and showing my kids what right looked like. He explained that with the children being old enough to have a say he took consideration into what they wanted too.
Rome and Jeff have always maintained the stance that they loved and cared for both Jennifer and I but they simply didn’t want to choose. They did make it clear that they didn’t want to be separated from their sister. I guess we know where they learned loyalty from? However, the deciding factor was Moo. Moo has made it very clear that she does not want to live with me…period. After her testimony to the judge…it was made crystal clear where she wished to live at.
I knew that for Jennifer to get the kids after her behavior she had displayed…it had to be divine intervention. So with that being said it was all over. The judge didn’t want Moo to come with me to Georgia. He felt that she had been so poisoned by Jennifer’s crap that she would just be a destructive force. Jennifer created this monster she should be the one to deal with it. He looked over at Jennifer and scowled, “What you reap is what you sow. You’re gonna get exactly what you have asked for. And one day when these children are 20 or 25 they will look back on this and they will know just what you did.”
So I left court…feeling down and strangely enough…at peace. I drove home, called my Mom and Dad as well as my former in-laws and informed them of what happened. As the afternoon passed I got more calls and texts from all those who had supported me the last two years. Some understood and some did not. But I told them all the same, I’m good and I’m at peace with the decision. I feel like the judge set her up. Like, in order for the kids to see what is really going on, they need to see it for themselves…you know live it. Then and only then will they truly understand and stop fighting me. Or the spiritual version which says, God gave me the last year so I could see what its like to have them alone. Because my kids will be back with me and when they return…it’ll be for good. I like to believe the latter.
TO BE CONTINUED....
So when it was time for summations my attorney went first pointing out all the things I have done to co-parent and foster a relationship with not only my kids but their Mom as well. Jennifer’s attorney couldn’t really say much since he had just taken the case a few weeks earlier. Why her previous attorney dropped her…only God knows. But he was paid for by the neighbor across the street who has become Jennifer’s “Fill in” Mom. Not only did she pay for Jennifer’s lawyer, but has been giving her money for food since she is currently unemployed. Yes she lost yet another job and according to her, it was because of hundreds of times she has been drug to court by me. Truth be told we have been to court a total of 9 times. 3 of those by me specifically; these include Once for The DVO (Domestic Violence Order), for her to take responsibility of the Mazda and just now for primary custodian.
After both attorneys’ were done the judge spoke. I sat there and I could tell it wasn’t going to be what I wanted to hear. As he spoke to me and Jennifer about how many times we had been in his court room over the past two years he looked over at me and started talking directly to me about what he thought of me, my parenting and my numerous attempts at co-parenting with her. He explained that she would never co-parent with me and how it was a shame. I was to be commended for my behavior and right now I was the “Superior” parent. As I sat there and listened…my heart was breaking but part of me knew it was going to be alright. I had spent the last two years doing it right and showing my kids what right looked like. He explained that with the children being old enough to have a say he took consideration into what they wanted too.
Rome and Jeff have always maintained the stance that they loved and cared for both Jennifer and I but they simply didn’t want to choose. They did make it clear that they didn’t want to be separated from their sister. I guess we know where they learned loyalty from? However, the deciding factor was Moo. Moo has made it very clear that she does not want to live with me…period. After her testimony to the judge…it was made crystal clear where she wished to live at.
I knew that for Jennifer to get the kids after her behavior she had displayed…it had to be divine intervention. So with that being said it was all over. The judge didn’t want Moo to come with me to Georgia. He felt that she had been so poisoned by Jennifer’s crap that she would just be a destructive force. Jennifer created this monster she should be the one to deal with it. He looked over at Jennifer and scowled, “What you reap is what you sow. You’re gonna get exactly what you have asked for. And one day when these children are 20 or 25 they will look back on this and they will know just what you did.”
So I left court…feeling down and strangely enough…at peace. I drove home, called my Mom and Dad as well as my former in-laws and informed them of what happened. As the afternoon passed I got more calls and texts from all those who had supported me the last two years. Some understood and some did not. But I told them all the same, I’m good and I’m at peace with the decision. I feel like the judge set her up. Like, in order for the kids to see what is really going on, they need to see it for themselves…you know live it. Then and only then will they truly understand and stop fighting me. Or the spiritual version which says, God gave me the last year so I could see what its like to have them alone. Because my kids will be back with me and when they return…it’ll be for good. I like to believe the latter.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Happy Birthday Mom!!!!
Today is my Mom’s 70th Birthday. Happy Birthday Mom…I love you. This is the woman that assisted in me becoming the man I am today. She is probably the sole reason I have a morale compass that works so very well. LOL. My Mom has always stressed that you should do right by yourself and in the eyes of God cause his evaluation of you…is all that truly matters. In this day and age of me, me, me that’s not an easy thing to do. Not because some of us don’t want to do it, but because our society doesn’t always lend itself for us to do the right thing in the face of adversity. So it’s not always easy to “Take the Road Less Traveled.”
But my Mom has always been a shining example of this simple principle. When my first wife and I departed ways…my Mom continued to stay in touch with her, pray for her, help her out on occasion and wish her well. Even bought her kids the occasional birthday card and what not. All this after she broke her sons heart. Some may say why? My mother would simply say why not? My Mom doesn’t hold grudges nor does she hate anyone. Point in case my current ex-wife. While I was overseas she took it upon herself to call my mom (and have my kids call her too) telling her what a horrible Mom and Grandmother she was for raising a shit bag son like myself. When I called and talked to my Mom I could hear the hurt in her voice although she tried to hide it.
As she explained what Jennifer said to her as well as what she had the kids say to her all I could think of was something my Mom had said to me quite awhile ago. So when she was finished…I threw those same words right back in her face and she got it…instantly! I could hear the joy and pride come back into her voice and she quickly got on board with what I said. Ok…I’m sure your wondering what I said. So I won’t leave you hanging so I’ll tell you just what I said.
Anyone who KNOWS Janie Lee Dingle will tell you my Mom is an incredibly spiritual woman. At times I’d almost swear that my Mom, in times of need, has a direct link to God and when she asks…he always comes through for her. This has happened numerous times in my life so much that I have called her on behalf of other family and friends asking her to put in a word because someone was in trouble and or hurting. And it always gets answered. It’s scary and uncanny how accurate it is too. I don’t know anyone stronger. My Mom fully believes that there is good and evil, God and the Devil, etc, etc. And she believes that they both work through us in anyway they see fit. So throughout my life, my Mom was always saying things like “The Devil is alive and busy,” “Jesus is alive and working,” “The devil is a liar,” “Don’t worry…he’ll work it out” or “God sure works in mysterious ways.” These are just a few of the numerous lil quotes that she has stored away. So when I spoke to her I told her what she had told me in the past,
“Mom,” I said.
“Yes,” she replied. I could still hear a hint of hurt that she was trying to hide.
“Mom. You know what that is right?”
“No, what?”
“Mom…that ain’t nuttin but the Devil.” There was a brief pause and silence from my Mom after I said that. I know she was starting to think so I continued.
“Mom you know how you always say he’s always busy? Well think about it…who do I get all my strength from when I'm down and need some words of encouragement? You right?”
"Yes,” she said. I could hear her perking up.
“Well Mom, think about it. The Devil is having a hard time getting to me right now because you are giving me that support I need right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well if he can’t get to me directly he’s jus gonna go where he thinks he can get to me at. And that’s you. Think about it Mom. He knows you’re my support base, where I get all my strength and faith from. It makes sense to attack you if he can’t get to me.”
“Uh Huh….”
“So he’s using Jennifer to attack you, to make you turn on Jennifer and causing you to be upset which he knows will in turn upset me and possibly cause me to lash out at Jennifer. Causing more problems in which he knows how hard I’m trying to save things.”
“Uh huh…”
“So he lost this one Mom cause we can clearly see what he’s doing and it ain’t working. You taught me better than that.”
As I continued to speak to my Mom I felt a wave of pride in my Mom's voice. The student had become the Master. All her talks and teachings had come to fruition and I was giving her what she had given me sooo many times when I needed it. I was proud of myself and I know she was too. And as we continued to talk and break it down I soon heard that joy and happiness that’s always present in my Moms voice when she’s talking about things, especially spiritual ones. And I can hear the pride in her voice as I used some of the very words she has used on me…told back to her. I could hear how proud she was of me. Like any parent when your child does something that reminds you that you did it right.
So my Mom…is pretty awesome and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. So with that being said, I just wanted all of y’all out there to know just who my Mom is and how special she is to me and numerous other lives that she’s touched in the 70 years she’s been alive on this big ball of gas we call a planet. Love you MOM and happy 70th. God bless you and give you many more.
But my Mom has always been a shining example of this simple principle. When my first wife and I departed ways…my Mom continued to stay in touch with her, pray for her, help her out on occasion and wish her well. Even bought her kids the occasional birthday card and what not. All this after she broke her sons heart. Some may say why? My mother would simply say why not? My Mom doesn’t hold grudges nor does she hate anyone. Point in case my current ex-wife. While I was overseas she took it upon herself to call my mom (and have my kids call her too) telling her what a horrible Mom and Grandmother she was for raising a shit bag son like myself. When I called and talked to my Mom I could hear the hurt in her voice although she tried to hide it.
As she explained what Jennifer said to her as well as what she had the kids say to her all I could think of was something my Mom had said to me quite awhile ago. So when she was finished…I threw those same words right back in her face and she got it…instantly! I could hear the joy and pride come back into her voice and she quickly got on board with what I said. Ok…I’m sure your wondering what I said. So I won’t leave you hanging so I’ll tell you just what I said.
Anyone who KNOWS Janie Lee Dingle will tell you my Mom is an incredibly spiritual woman. At times I’d almost swear that my Mom, in times of need, has a direct link to God and when she asks…he always comes through for her. This has happened numerous times in my life so much that I have called her on behalf of other family and friends asking her to put in a word because someone was in trouble and or hurting. And it always gets answered. It’s scary and uncanny how accurate it is too. I don’t know anyone stronger. My Mom fully believes that there is good and evil, God and the Devil, etc, etc. And she believes that they both work through us in anyway they see fit. So throughout my life, my Mom was always saying things like “The Devil is alive and busy,” “Jesus is alive and working,” “The devil is a liar,” “Don’t worry…he’ll work it out” or “God sure works in mysterious ways.” These are just a few of the numerous lil quotes that she has stored away. So when I spoke to her I told her what she had told me in the past,
“Mom,” I said.
“Yes,” she replied. I could still hear a hint of hurt that she was trying to hide.
“Mom. You know what that is right?”
“No, what?”
“Mom…that ain’t nuttin but the Devil.” There was a brief pause and silence from my Mom after I said that. I know she was starting to think so I continued.
“Mom you know how you always say he’s always busy? Well think about it…who do I get all my strength from when I'm down and need some words of encouragement? You right?”
"Yes,” she said. I could hear her perking up.
“Well Mom, think about it. The Devil is having a hard time getting to me right now because you are giving me that support I need right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well if he can’t get to me directly he’s jus gonna go where he thinks he can get to me at. And that’s you. Think about it Mom. He knows you’re my support base, where I get all my strength and faith from. It makes sense to attack you if he can’t get to me.”
“Uh Huh….”
“So he’s using Jennifer to attack you, to make you turn on Jennifer and causing you to be upset which he knows will in turn upset me and possibly cause me to lash out at Jennifer. Causing more problems in which he knows how hard I’m trying to save things.”
“Uh huh…”
“So he lost this one Mom cause we can clearly see what he’s doing and it ain’t working. You taught me better than that.”
As I continued to speak to my Mom I felt a wave of pride in my Mom's voice. The student had become the Master. All her talks and teachings had come to fruition and I was giving her what she had given me sooo many times when I needed it. I was proud of myself and I know she was too. And as we continued to talk and break it down I soon heard that joy and happiness that’s always present in my Moms voice when she’s talking about things, especially spiritual ones. And I can hear the pride in her voice as I used some of the very words she has used on me…told back to her. I could hear how proud she was of me. Like any parent when your child does something that reminds you that you did it right.
So my Mom…is pretty awesome and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. So with that being said, I just wanted all of y’all out there to know just who my Mom is and how special she is to me and numerous other lives that she’s touched in the 70 years she’s been alive on this big ball of gas we call a planet. Love you MOM and happy 70th. God bless you and give you many more.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
D MINUS 8
Well, the movers are coming tomorrow and we are closing in on the end of an era in my life. I arrived back to KY and moved into this house in January 2005. I was full of hopes and dreams about my as well as my family’s future. I was armed with the new found knowledge I had gained in EO school. We hit the ground running and never looked back. Alex adjusted to being back amongst friends and soon found himself one of three 7th graders to make the freshman high school baseball team, an incredible feat for the young man. 8th Grade football and more friends were soon to follow and he was off on his way to great things and the path to college was now underway. Jennifer was enrolled into school and on her way to living out her dream of becoming a nurse. Fast forward to today. Here I am June 2011, 6 years later and I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be. Am I disappointed in how my life turned out? Did I miss my boat? What in the hell happened to my dream and my future?
Those were questions I found myself asking out loud time and time again. But to my surprise…I have not received an answer…not one single answer. We don’t always get the answers to our questions and that sometimes sucks but its life and that’s just how it works sometimes. On the 30th of June I will be headed south to start a new chapter in my life and the lives of my family. In 6 years I have gained some great friends and made some enemies. My family has grown…and I have lost family members. I spent close to two years in therapy working on what I thought were my faults and weaknesses. I soon found out that those were my strengths and I found out I had actually gotten on the path to healing and a new found life that I didn’t know it at the time would not include my wife. A few months ago as I sat on the couch in my therapist office I looked over at Betty and she smiled at me. It had been a long, long journey and I was no longer that same broken and mentally battered guy that she had met close to two years ago seeking help and answers about his life and why there was so much pain when there was only supposed to be joy. We talked and reflected on my journey into strength and self-discovery. “Jerome, do you remember why you came here?” Betty asked. “Yes,” I said. “I told you I wanted to save my marriage and if I couldn’t… find the strength to leave Jennifer.” I’ve been divorced since Jan 27, 2010…mission complete.
So what does Georgia hold for me? New friendships? New relationships?, A New chapter in my life to write? I’m not really sure what the big Jumpmaster in the sky has planned for me but I know it’s something and I just need to maintain the course I’m on and be open and welcome to the blessings that are bound to be headed my way. I have dealt with more character building issues that I know have a skyscraper in my backyard. I have placed others first before myself in an effort to lay foundations for healing only to have them ripped up like a tornado out in the mid-west. I have taken steps forward...only to see myself sliding back two steps for everyone I moved forward. Yet…I have never stopped moving forward. I have never stopped fighting for what’s right for me and my family. Even when their eyes have been clouded by anger, hate and the fog we know as divorce.
So to all of you who feel that life has dealt you a bad hand…I will tell you this one bit of advice I received from a very special RIGGER. Maintain the moral high ground and do what you know is right; no matter how painful it is nor how costly (financially) it maybe for you. For you will be judged by these actions and these alone are what counts, integrity is all you have and it’s all you will ever need.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Is Honesty The Best Policy?
Honesty is the best policy. That is a mantra that many live by and almost all of us have heard it at some point in our lives. But do we really believe in it or is it just something we say? Is being honesty a thing of the past? Do we live in an era where cutting corners and not being honest rule our lives?
I have lived the last year of my life being honest. Sometimes it has worked for me and sometimes it has not but I’ve done it just the same. I was forthright with a woman sometime ago and she told me that I should probably not tell as much. I was like really? “Thought y’all women wanted an honest man?” Well I took mental note of her advice…didn’t use it but I listened. LOL. Some will say they want a man who is honest and forthright yet when confronted with such a man…they may question things said or it becomes too much and they move on. One of my partners feels that you don’t need to tell a woman everything, not be dishonest, just don’t tell her everything. Guess you can say the situation dictates.
I do believe there must be honesty. When a person is honest, it creates a level of comfort for them and their partner. It creates intimacy and true intimacy is in the moment honesty, being comfortable enough that you can be open and honest with your partner; knowing fully well they will accept you…no matter what.
I went out with a lot of women in the last year and have been honest with them all; though some may not agree. I had met a female on match and grew quite fond of her. But we did have one fundamental difference in opinion in one particular area. I don’t believe in placing all of my eggs in one basket, in short I choose to date until I’m sure that the individual is the one or until we have “the talk.” She on the other hand, did not. So after making my view clear, I simply chose to leave it at that. I figured I had made it clear how I felt and that I was not going to change my stance. Shawty, a good friend of mine made a very good point the other morning when we talked. She said I have the ability to think about things without my emotions. She is very correct and I have used that in my dating. I even had another friend question my “selection” process because it sounded cold or emotionless. She said I sounded like I was willing to settle.
Well my lady friend and I talked a lot and she flew out to meet and see if there was any chemistry. There was, so much that that December she flew out again and I drove out to spend x-mas with her since my ex had our kids for the holiday. Well long distance relationships are tough to maintain especially when you have nothing but phone contact. Well linking up became difficult and around the beginning of the New Year we had an argument and for me...it was a flag. We just seemed to argue more and didn’t connect as we did prior to x-mas. In the end we never recovered. I was honest about what I wanted from a relationship and so was she, but after two failed marriages, I simply choose not to compromise on what I want; that included being honest. So we went back to that fundamental difference and she wanted to change I however felt that it was a difference that you can’t change. What you believe is what you believe and is a core value. Core values do not change.
Now there is one thing I don’t think you should ever be honest about…and that’s cheating. Now, this is requires emotionless conceptual thinking from this point forward. So think about what I’m about to say and try and do so without emotions. Cheating and then coming clean doesn’t do anything for anyone except the cheater. It gives them some relief and it allows them to clear their conscience while the party that was cheated on is typically devastated. Why do they get to use the “honesty play” to get the weight off their back? I think this is one case where lying is a must and should be implemented at all cost. I mean you did the dirt…you should have to live with the consequences of your actions. If it haunts you…then good, it should do just that. So is honesty the best policy? How much honesty do you give and when is it ok to be dishonest? Those are questions that only you can answer.
I have lived the last year of my life being honest. Sometimes it has worked for me and sometimes it has not but I’ve done it just the same. I was forthright with a woman sometime ago and she told me that I should probably not tell as much. I was like really? “Thought y’all women wanted an honest man?” Well I took mental note of her advice…didn’t use it but I listened. LOL. Some will say they want a man who is honest and forthright yet when confronted with such a man…they may question things said or it becomes too much and they move on. One of my partners feels that you don’t need to tell a woman everything, not be dishonest, just don’t tell her everything. Guess you can say the situation dictates.
I do believe there must be honesty. When a person is honest, it creates a level of comfort for them and their partner. It creates intimacy and true intimacy is in the moment honesty, being comfortable enough that you can be open and honest with your partner; knowing fully well they will accept you…no matter what.
I went out with a lot of women in the last year and have been honest with them all; though some may not agree. I had met a female on match and grew quite fond of her. But we did have one fundamental difference in opinion in one particular area. I don’t believe in placing all of my eggs in one basket, in short I choose to date until I’m sure that the individual is the one or until we have “the talk.” She on the other hand, did not. So after making my view clear, I simply chose to leave it at that. I figured I had made it clear how I felt and that I was not going to change my stance. Shawty, a good friend of mine made a very good point the other morning when we talked. She said I have the ability to think about things without my emotions. She is very correct and I have used that in my dating. I even had another friend question my “selection” process because it sounded cold or emotionless. She said I sounded like I was willing to settle.
Well my lady friend and I talked a lot and she flew out to meet and see if there was any chemistry. There was, so much that that December she flew out again and I drove out to spend x-mas with her since my ex had our kids for the holiday. Well long distance relationships are tough to maintain especially when you have nothing but phone contact. Well linking up became difficult and around the beginning of the New Year we had an argument and for me...it was a flag. We just seemed to argue more and didn’t connect as we did prior to x-mas. In the end we never recovered. I was honest about what I wanted from a relationship and so was she, but after two failed marriages, I simply choose not to compromise on what I want; that included being honest. So we went back to that fundamental difference and she wanted to change I however felt that it was a difference that you can’t change. What you believe is what you believe and is a core value. Core values do not change.
Now there is one thing I don’t think you should ever be honest about…and that’s cheating. Now, this is requires emotionless conceptual thinking from this point forward. So think about what I’m about to say and try and do so without emotions. Cheating and then coming clean doesn’t do anything for anyone except the cheater. It gives them some relief and it allows them to clear their conscience while the party that was cheated on is typically devastated. Why do they get to use the “honesty play” to get the weight off their back? I think this is one case where lying is a must and should be implemented at all cost. I mean you did the dirt…you should have to live with the consequences of your actions. If it haunts you…then good, it should do just that. So is honesty the best policy? How much honesty do you give and when is it ok to be dishonest? Those are questions that only you can answer.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Are our kids becoming Q-Tips?
“Man, you are soft as drug store cotton!” or how about, “You as soft as a Q-tip.” Those were a few of the insults we traded with each other as kids. I have coached sports at the youth level for years and a lot has changed. I recall when only the winners got trophies, now everyone does. I recall you rode the pine when you weren’t good enough but now everyone must play. I mean even in my youngest son’s school it seems they give an award to every kid and when my eldest played middle school basketball I remember when the head coach was fired. Not because he was bad but because a parent complained. Their son wasn’t playing enough.
Since my divorce, my sons at times seem to buck the system and rebel against anything they may think I would want them to do. My middle son elected not to play football and tried out for his middle school basketball team and he didn’t make the cut. He got in the car and I didn’t know it until a few minutes later when I asked a question and could hear a quiver in his voice. I glanced over and could see tear trails running down his brown cheeks. In our society it seems as if our kids are being convinced they don’t have to earn anything and it should be given and when they don’t get it…they breakdown and fall apart. How do I handle my son’s first true loss? This was the first time he’s had to try out for anything and he didn’t make the team. Do I coddle him and tell him he’s great and it’s that coach’s loss? Or do I tell him the truth that I told him to get outside and work on his fundamentals, dribbling, shooting, layups etc. Not sit and play PS3 or sit and watch dumb kids on you tube it was your responsibility. You didn’t make the team son…because you weren’t good enough. I settled somewhere in the middle of those two. I asked what the coached said to those not making the team and if he told them what they should work on before they try out next year? He said no, the coach said even Michael Jordan got cut. I told him…guess we will work towards baseball.
Many parents are doing their children a serious disservice in the area of what the military as since dubbed “mental resiliency,” to be mentally tough in short, to be able to handle the stresses of combat and your life in the military. Some parents just don’t seem to get it.
When I coached I stressed all those things in my teams. I didn’t always have the best teams but I felt that what I was giving those boys and the few girls was truly important; the ability to accept a win with humility and a defeat with grace. So parents treat their kids as superstars and expect others to see what they see, then when they fail, they look at everyone else except their kids. Learning how to lose is far more important and does more for your character than winning does.
I watched Dr. Phil a few days ago as he talked with some kids about “cyber bullying.” I sat and I listened until I couldn’t take it anymore and I started talking back to the TV. “OK, ummm if your being cyber bullied…how about you unfriend them or better yet, get off the damn PC.” I mean seriously, why would you go online and read someone talking trash about you everyday to the point where you feel you need to take your life to make it stop. One interesting dynamic I have seen is a great deal of these kids are single parent kids and you never see the fathers around.
Hell People magazine has the story about the young college student from Rutgers who killed his self after a sex video of him made it onto the internet. Gay or straight, suicide is not the answer. If this young man was comfortable, secure and confident in his self as they said he was, would he have killed his self?
If someone is on facebook talking bad about you, don’t read it. Or un-friend them and don’t read it. My ex-wife spends a great deal of time talking about me on her FB wall and her girlfriends, none who actually know me. Mind you my kids are her friends and have the ability to see and read what her and her friends say about me. The neighbor across who is well in her 60’s has joined in on the FB campaign and if you’re following my “divorce nightmare” that I have been writing about (hope you are ;-)), you will know about the cyber stalking too. Now for legal reasons I have printed off a few of her pages and the request of my attorney but my point is I don’t read nor care what is being said. What I don’t see can’t hurt me and I know the truth.
I know it I’m older and with life experiences I know someone calling me a fag, geek, jig-a-boo etc are just names said to illicit a response and as a child, you don’t know all this. But it’s our job as parents, adults, teachers, coaches, etc to remind our kids that it really ain’t a big deal. Teach them how to defuse such language and actions. Just like a TV show, if I don’t like it, why should I call and or write a station complaining. The solution is pretty simple; I simply don’t have to watch it. Parents have got to talk to their kids and not neglect the mental aspect of their kid’s growth and development.
Is it wrong to tell your kids they aren’t good enough? Should are kids be protected from loosing? Should we stop giving our kids accolades they don’t deserve? These are just a few questions that we as parents need to think about.
Since my divorce, my sons at times seem to buck the system and rebel against anything they may think I would want them to do. My middle son elected not to play football and tried out for his middle school basketball team and he didn’t make the cut. He got in the car and I didn’t know it until a few minutes later when I asked a question and could hear a quiver in his voice. I glanced over and could see tear trails running down his brown cheeks. In our society it seems as if our kids are being convinced they don’t have to earn anything and it should be given and when they don’t get it…they breakdown and fall apart. How do I handle my son’s first true loss? This was the first time he’s had to try out for anything and he didn’t make the team. Do I coddle him and tell him he’s great and it’s that coach’s loss? Or do I tell him the truth that I told him to get outside and work on his fundamentals, dribbling, shooting, layups etc. Not sit and play PS3 or sit and watch dumb kids on you tube it was your responsibility. You didn’t make the team son…because you weren’t good enough. I settled somewhere in the middle of those two. I asked what the coached said to those not making the team and if he told them what they should work on before they try out next year? He said no, the coach said even Michael Jordan got cut. I told him…guess we will work towards baseball.
Many parents are doing their children a serious disservice in the area of what the military as since dubbed “mental resiliency,” to be mentally tough in short, to be able to handle the stresses of combat and your life in the military. Some parents just don’t seem to get it.
When I coached I stressed all those things in my teams. I didn’t always have the best teams but I felt that what I was giving those boys and the few girls was truly important; the ability to accept a win with humility and a defeat with grace. So parents treat their kids as superstars and expect others to see what they see, then when they fail, they look at everyone else except their kids. Learning how to lose is far more important and does more for your character than winning does.
I watched Dr. Phil a few days ago as he talked with some kids about “cyber bullying.” I sat and I listened until I couldn’t take it anymore and I started talking back to the TV. “OK, ummm if your being cyber bullied…how about you unfriend them or better yet, get off the damn PC.” I mean seriously, why would you go online and read someone talking trash about you everyday to the point where you feel you need to take your life to make it stop. One interesting dynamic I have seen is a great deal of these kids are single parent kids and you never see the fathers around.
Hell People magazine has the story about the young college student from Rutgers who killed his self after a sex video of him made it onto the internet. Gay or straight, suicide is not the answer. If this young man was comfortable, secure and confident in his self as they said he was, would he have killed his self?
If someone is on facebook talking bad about you, don’t read it. Or un-friend them and don’t read it. My ex-wife spends a great deal of time talking about me on her FB wall and her girlfriends, none who actually know me. Mind you my kids are her friends and have the ability to see and read what her and her friends say about me. The neighbor across who is well in her 60’s has joined in on the FB campaign and if you’re following my “divorce nightmare” that I have been writing about (hope you are ;-)), you will know about the cyber stalking too. Now for legal reasons I have printed off a few of her pages and the request of my attorney but my point is I don’t read nor care what is being said. What I don’t see can’t hurt me and I know the truth.
I know it I’m older and with life experiences I know someone calling me a fag, geek, jig-a-boo etc are just names said to illicit a response and as a child, you don’t know all this. But it’s our job as parents, adults, teachers, coaches, etc to remind our kids that it really ain’t a big deal. Teach them how to defuse such language and actions. Just like a TV show, if I don’t like it, why should I call and or write a station complaining. The solution is pretty simple; I simply don’t have to watch it. Parents have got to talk to their kids and not neglect the mental aspect of their kid’s growth and development.
Is it wrong to tell your kids they aren’t good enough? Should are kids be protected from loosing? Should we stop giving our kids accolades they don’t deserve? These are just a few questions that we as parents need to think about.
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