I went on Jennifer’s wall and read her “Confessions of a Mad Divorcee.” I read them all and could only sit there and wonder what is going through her head? It takes a lot of time and energy to come up with all the things she wrote about; with 95% of it about me. Me? I had no idea after close to two years I was still that important in her life and that she’d dedicate sooo much time to telling her wall readers so much about me. But a good writer knows that you must mix fact with fiction to truly captivate an audience. And that she has…a very specific and captive audience. I have been called more names and had comments made by men and mainly women who have never actually seen me or even spoken to me.
Cyber bullying has become the hot thing now. With young people going online and talking about one another to the point where one would consider killing themselves to escape it. As with many of us adults, we don’t get it. We don’t because in our day a bully was a person whom you knew and saw every day at school. It was someone who, at the end of the day, push comes to shove you could always challenge this person to an old school fight and settle it one on one. But our kids have become detached from that world by smart phones, skyping, texting and numerous other forms of contact in which you physically don’t have to be present. In my day, a kid would call you a name to your face. You had a choice, create a snappy come back and fire it or take it and be laughed at. But we dealt with it all the same. That’s a lot harder to do online. Your audience goes from being a few people who were there to witness the witty banter to hundreds whom can reach as far as a foreign country.
Hey, we have a thing called free speech and you got the right to say and or write whatever you want. I recall having discussions with Jennifer (always one-sided and I was always wrong) about free speech and it’s funny...she’d argue that we Americans took the free speech thing a lil too far as well as other rights we had that she felt were abused by we Americans. It’s funny now when I think back to those conversations we had. It’s funny because she now acts and displays the same attitude as those she once criticized for doing what she now enjoys. Her confessions, as I have read them aren’t really confessions. Confession: an act of confessing; especially: a disclosure of one’s sins in the sacrament of reconciliation. So when you read these “confessions” what is it you’re actually reading? Well best I gather is your reading about things that took place during our marriage, some true some exaggerated truths with fiction mixed in. That to me is a story or several short stories. So she should probably consider changing the name to “Short Stories of a Mad Divorcee.” At least it’d be an accurate title. But as it stands currently it’s simply cyber bullying. An act in which she herself has called horrible and despicable. Those that do it are just mean and hurtful people.
So yesterday I posted two of her confessions on my wall and later removed them after my daughter commented. We texted about it today and I asked her a very simple question. Does she go on her Mom’s wall and defend me to the numerous people who make comments about her Dad. Defend me to the numerous women who are tired and bitter and wish to relish in the misery which is their current lives as well as that of my former spouse. That was well over an hour ago as I type this and I never got an answer accept, “I have no business going on her wall and she’s (Jennifer) gonna write what she’s gonna write.” I choose to believe that my daughter will confront me because she knows I love her and care about her no matter what. I won’t hold my love hostage if she doesn’t “goose step” the way I say. She knows that she has freedom to maneuver with me and I will give her enough room to express herself as a young adult without crossing the line over towards disrespect. I think…no…I know my daughter wouldn’t go on her Mom’s wall and defend me for if she did, her Mom would berate her with a verbal onslaught of guilt like no one child has ever seen.
Confessions of a Mad Divorcee….hmmm…I’d have to say…is Jennifer’s latest attempt and further convincing herself and her handful of blind followers that she is where she is solely because of me. It wasn’t her fault we divorced, wasn’t her fault she got arrested, wasn’t even her fault she is where she is currently at. But she’s so happy and glad to be rid of me and have the kids back that she spends hours writing about things that took place during our marriage. Things that…without the flare for the dramatic or the embellishment wouldn’t make good reading. If a person spends all their time talking about themselves and what they do and how so many others have wronged them. What does it really say about them? I think it says…I can’t forgive and I’m unable to move on.
I made peace with my divorce from Jennifer and I have moved on. I read her comments from time to time and I recall what the woman at JAG told me after Jennifer had called everyone in the JAG office in an attempt to be heard by the JAG herself. “You need to thank God you dodged a bullet.” I laughed because at times…that’s how I feel. I dodged a bullet. And at times…it would have been nice to part as friends. For a good part of our marriage Jennifer was a good wife and a good mother. But I think when I returned from Iraq, I discovered she’d changed while I was gone. She’d become a lil more selfish…a lil more arrogant. And after we got to Knox, she just got worse, especially after she was in school.
Forgiveness…a simple word yet it can speak loudly at times. Webster’s defines it as: The act of forgiving. So when or if you choose forgiveness…you are forgiving. So the question then becomes, how do you forgive someone who refuses to forgive themselves or better yet, won’t allow you to forgive them? It’s an odd question you could argue but a question none the less. I have been divorced (officially) going on two years and have done many of the things you would say are typical of someone attempting to and moving on. Date, get my finances together, make peace with the loss or failure (depending on how you view it) of the marriage and lastly, forgive the other person whom you have split from. So, looking back, I’ve done a lot of those except the final one. Forgive my ex. Now some of you who know this story may ask, “Why do you need to forgive her?” or “she doesn’t deserve your forgiveness after what she put everyone through.”
There is a quote which reads: “Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right, it makes you free.” I have sought peace between my former spouse, not just for my kid’s sake, but for our own peace of mind and to foster a relationship which is positive for both us as well as for our kids. We are linked from now until the end of time and there truly is no need to spend that time being bitter and angry, hating one another for perceived wrongs. There has to come a time when you have to take a step back and look at the big picture. Look and say, what good is coming from this? No good comes from it, no good at all. With January comes the official 2 year anniversary of my divorce and as I reflect, I realize Jennifer needs my forgiveness more than she’d ever admit. Only good can come from all this is me…choosing to forgive her for which she has done and yet to do.
